First, I will talk about how my day went at work on Wednesday. The fat broad across from me gets every Monday off. Her sub is really awesome and gets her route done faster than fatty, so of course she has it in for her. Tuesday, she called off and the supervisors put a sub on her route who is known to do the bare minimum of work and nothing extra, while the awesome sub will go above and beyond. When Fat Lady came in today, she had piles of mail left over from the day before, yet managed to say something negative about the good sub and nothing about the bad, even though the good sub cleaned up her mail on Monday. Then she proceeded to describe how she had been up since 4AM the previous day throwing up because of getting a bad reaction from her medication. I believe she is pushing for some kind of disability to jump on so she can get paid early retirement.

Okay, I'm not so Spartan as to not believe in early retirement for people afflicted with crippling diseases or freakish deformities resulting from an accident, but the fat lady has neither. She has spent her whole life living an unhealthy lifestyle and treating her job like a burden, and now that she is in her middle age, she's paying for it and wants to transfer the cost on to us or the employer by going on permanent disability one day. People like that anger me more than any other. We have another lady with the shakes and she still manages to get her work done in a timely manner! When I first started working at the post office seven or so years ago, I thought it amazing how the lady with the shakes would constantly have her head swaying back and forth, yet she would be able to get her route done faster than most people.

The fat lady also brought up my boyfriend from Australia and expressed her worries about my long-distance relationship, claiming that the guy may very well be a criminal or have more than one family. She brought up various losers she met on the internet who would play all kinds of games. I thanked her for her concern but said that I wasn't going to live a life of fear locked up in my cozy little house. If I did that, the years would roll by and I'd soon be dead with nothing to show for my life. It's like that hymn we sang in church once that went: Though I may speak with bravest fire, and have the gift to all inspire, and have not love, my words are vain as sounding brass, and hopeless gain. Of course the song was mostly about God's love because the lyrics then went: For God so loved the world He made He gave His own begotten son so all who believe in Him might live, not die but live forever more.. I also took it to be about wordly love too, because without God's grace and good values, I don't believe that it would be possible to understand what being in love is all about. A person who loves him/herself believes that he/she is worthy of redemption and therefore can feel free to love another person.

Also, sometimes it's best to go after the unknown, take risks and make oneself vulnerable. I live by a certain set of values that make me uncool and undesirable to the lowlives and zanies of the world, therefore I can be confident that I won't be an attractive target. My boyfriend is the same way. We are both comfortable with ourselves and don't have something to prove to the world, in order to hide our insecurities. Neither of us have tattoos, green hair and an aching desire to be the ultimate individual. I'm not doing anything that I don't want to do. It's all about free will; anything I do is because I want to do it. I don't do things because I'm weak, or because I've been brainwashed by the sensationalist media into thinking its a cool thing to do. I don't make excuses for the things I do by claiming I have a personality disorder or am possessed by an uncontrollable compulsion. I don't do things because God ordered me to in a dream or because the position of the stars are just right. I am the sum of all my actions good and bad and must take responsibility for subsequent results of these actions.

Now I've gotten all that out of the way, I will now write about the two faces of evil: Lust For Power -and- Loser Mentality. These forms have a common ground; insecure people practice these immoral/amoral actions in order to make up for their inadequacies, whether it be because they grew up poor, are lazy and unwilling to work hard for a better life, were picked on in high school, are weaker and less-accomplished than their siblings, suffered some kind of trauma (such as being raped or molested), or have an undesirable physical trait (such as being fat, having a big nose or a small weiner). Few people in this world don't have at least one of those problems. I do. Can you guess which one? Whatever it is, I don't let it rule me.

Lust for power is probably the lesser of the two evils infecting society, just because it isn't as prevalent. Power is hard to come by and requires a lot of hard work to gain. A person who is deserving of becoming powerful usually is willing to work at it in ways, such as conditioning the body, gaining a higher degree (PhD or Masters) that will make money or working hard to deserve a promotion in the workforce. It's a shame that there are many, many times more people desiring power than there are people who truly deserve it. Undeserving people usually find small ways to lord over others. Some become tyrannical micromanagers. Others will rape women and children. Many get a thrill of power robbing others of their possessions. Many more will get a thrill pretending to be someone else in an RP or getting into witchcraft or other zany cult religions. What a surge of power it must be to think oneself capable of wielding magical power!

Loser morality works together with the lust of power through the sensationalist media, which glorifies rapists and criminals of all kinds. I once watched the tail end of a retarded movie called Fast and Furious over at a friend's house. A cop let a guy go free, even though he spent many years stealing cars and repainting them to sell on the black market. Why? -Because the criminal was good at car-racing and the cop respected him for it! X-P My lowlife friends just ate that garbage up like $.39 cheeseburgers at McDonalds. I used to associate with people who would sit around on their worthless dead-asses all day, but they would often try to play up that they were great people, just because they wouldn't rat out a friend if the cops caught them with drugs. What honor. X-P Ho boy....to me a scumbag is a scumbag is a scumbag. There are no misunderstood monsters or honorable criminals or downtrodden leeches. I don't fall for the excuses people with low self-esteems like to make for why criminals are justified in breaking the law. A lot of people grew up poor. A lot of people live in bad neighborhoods and were abused by their parents. Not all of them grow up to be losers and law-breakers. We were all born equal in the eyes of God but it is the choices we make in life that determine our value as we grow. Criminals are dirt and I don't appreciate how society glorifies the 'monster heroes' the media shoves at us, whether it be a vampire on a fantasy site, a serial killer in a movie or a gangster in a sitcom (such as the Sopranos).

Back before cheap labor killed the industrial towns, back before families broke up when divorce and abortions became commonplace, many people would live in the same town their whole lives, in a town where everyone knew one another. People used to actually worry about what other people thought of them. Now, people don't have that pressure and they are bold when they do all the wrong things. What irritates me is the heart of loser morality: When people do things that are obviously wrong and then justify it by trying to convince me and other people that the things they do are perfectly acceptable. IE: It's okay to have illegitimate kids and become a welfare cheat because birth control is expensive. I drink too much, do drugs and gamble because I have a disease and can't control myself. Weak and ignorant people will do any stupid thing under the sun and then make excuses why I should think what they do is perfectly alright. Wrong! I believe that people should admit to being wrong and have a little integrity and common decency. It's okay to make mistakes in life, -everyone does- but it's not okay to make excuses.

The Loser Mentality Catch-Phrase: Whenever I voice my complaints in public, the losers yell me down with their loser slogan Don't Judge Me! You have no right to judge me, they say. They have the right to judge me of course..... Whenever I say something outrageous and unpopular, such as 'Illegal immigrants shouldn't shit out five kids one after another before they even turn twenty, and then jump right on welfare to become a burden to the American people', the Loser Squad will jump down my throat, flame me or post about me on stupid_free. There, the jury will talk about how much of a bad person I am, -or- how much my artwork sucks, -or- how the lines on the sides of my mouth make me look old -or- how bad of a Christian I am.

Speaking of Christians, loser morality dictates that we should be called 'bible-thumping fanatics' whenever we express an opinion that people should act right! Every lowlife under the sun likes to talk about how the world would be a better place without religion, but I'd be willing to bet that some of them are first in line with a hand out at the food pantry or pregnancy center when the churches contribute generous donations! I started going to church three years ago because I wanted to come out of the mouth of madness and hang around people who were into living normal and decent lives. I think that, while religious people are human and make mistakes, losers don't like them because they still pressure people into living by good values and taking responsibility for their actions.

In my perfect world, people would read this and ask me, "Why are you telling me these things that I already know?" Unfortunately, there are many who would get their panties in a bunch reading this.

Whew! That was a long one and I may have to edit it and add a few things! It took me three days to write because I haven't had much free time lately because of other interests. That's okay. This is one of those things I should have made an outline to organize my thoughts before writing. When I was halfway through and went to chorus practice on Wednesday, I was so mentally tired that I probably wouldn't have been able to write much of anything coherent anyway. From now on..OUTLINE=IMPORTANT. Now, I just have to work on the accompanying drawing. It will be very surreal and have a story all its own, but I'll still attach this because I'm a dickens like that. Also, I have a few other ideas for drawings and a short story in progress. The ball is finally rolling on Kharmii's Spartan Family.

When I started playing on the internet a few years back, I had one goal in mind, to show off my artwork. It's not that I thought I had anything worth saying or that my work was all that great. Nope. I just had a child-like desire to have people looking at my pictures. Little did I know that the days would pass and I'd find real love and make hesitant friendships. I'd be pushed into selling myself as an unlikable internet personality, just so I could get a spike in my pageviews, here and there. If you are reading this and aren't on my friends list, you can either piss off of go take a peek at SPARKLY KHARMII'S DEVIANTART PAGE OF SPARKLENESS.

A couple of months went by and I was content not talking to Yolanda. It was December and I was in the Christmas spirit. Then disaster struck Kelly. She got shingles, which is a painful and long-lasting illness that strikes middle-aged people. The older one is, the longer it lasts. I believe Kelly was out for over a month. Tanquerey was her sub and was on her route everyday.

I never knew much about Tanquerey because she always worked routes on the other side of the building. Come to think of it, I still don't know much about her and believe it's impossible to get to know her, as only nonsense comes out of her mouth. She has all the symptoms of a histrionic personality disorder (believe me, I know about broads with HPD, just read the posts in the wackyland tag. X-P) One of the symptoms of HPD is "having a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail". Tanquerey would single someone out and say nonsense about them. IE: She would approach Kelly and be like, "Hi kellybelly kellybelly kellybelly", then all day walk around going "KELLYBELLY KELLYBELLYKELLYBELLYKELLYBELLY!" -Stuff like that. The only HPD symptom she didn't exhibit was the inappropriately seductive appearance. Her clothes were drab, her body dumpy, and her face looked like a female version of Danny Devito, so much so that I had to make an effort to train myself to stop calling her 'Danielle' subconsciously.

Tanquerey was ugly on the inside too, like always talking about people behind their backs and saying the f-word every other sentence. I got a bad first impression of her when she made fun of a guy for wearing a belt and tucking his shirt in his pants. -Like who cares? She also bragged about the mind games she played with the guys she dated. When she found out about my relationship with Randall and trips to Australia, I could see the angry and mean grimace on her countenance only for a split second before she became nice in an extra syrupy way, almost like the perfect protege of Yolanda's, except she wasn't as good at being phony.

Tanquerey caught on that I wasn't talking to Yolanda. I was completely open with her, telling her what Yolanda did and how I didn't want people talking about my relationship with Randall, especially in reference to his age. She tested me almost immediately, asking what I'd have in common with a person twenty years my senior. When I mentioned that we liked wilderness hikes, she asked me if I was thinking about the future. Would he be able to keep up with me in twenty years? Would he still be alive? I should have warned her to drop it just then, but like a dummy, I didn't.

Then Tanquerey got it in her head that she was going to throw a bachelorette party for me. Now, I've been to a bachelorette party for a girl who used to work there. I'm no prude. I giggled along with the other ladies at the male stripper, even going so far as to stuff a dollar in his shorts. I left the room before things got out of hand, however, and wasn't amused when Tanquerey planned a party that was even raunchier than that. She and Yolanda got downright crude, going so far as to suggest that the gifts should be sex toys. I heard one or the other describe some beads that go up someone's butt. I turned around and told her it wasn't a good idea because I wouldn't have any friends to invite because my friends were all church buddies (hint hint) and wouldn't be into that type of thing. Still, she wouldn't take no for an answer, even going so far as to call one of her cronies over to help plan.

I finally got stern with her when she ordered me to start talking to Yolanda again, because Yolanda was helping her plan the party. I told her that I didn't want anything to do with Yolanda, that I didn't want to go to any party with Yolanda in attendance, and that I didn't want a raunchy bachelorette party as it was. Tanquerey looked genuinely shocked and appalled that I'd stand up to her and refuse a direct order. Another HPD symptom is delusion of grandeur, along with the perceived ability to manipulate people to do ones bidding. She thought of herself as being such an amazing personality that I'd bend over backwards to do her bidding. I also think she saw my polite and conservative nature as being a weakness, as if I was like that because of a low self-esteem. It's rather the opposite, as it's more important for me to stand up for my principles that it is to be liked.

Things went downhill from there. After I put the kibosh on the engagement party plans, Tanquerey started acting squirrelly. She started obsessing over her highschool days and bragging about how she was a big partier and a huge bully and mean girl. She would say stuff like 'preps are losers'. I'd be thinking, Lolwut. Who talks about highschool at this age? I had already hit the big 'three oh' and she wasn't much younger. Then she told her first outrageous untruth. Compulsive lying isn't an official symptom of HPD, yet put all the symptoms together and you have the perfect recipe. Every histrionic person I've ever met, -and I've met quite a few- would lie profusely. Tanquerey told this cockamamie story about the reason she had a GED instead of a highschool diploma. She claimed that she attended school on a Monday, got all her assignments for the whole week, then ditched every other day to attend wild parties. Since she did all of her assignments for the whole week perfectly, she technically got straight 'A's, yet they wouldn't pass her because of her poor attendance. I considered it impossible that a broad who was such a poor liar and who told a story that stupid could possibly be a straight A student.

Side note: One thing I should mention before going on. Yolanda and Tanquerey are both dirt poor from making bad decisions in life. Yolanda first lost $$ in a divorce, then from being blackmailed by her scumbag friends, who she allowed herself to be at the mercy of when she moved in with one of them. Tanquerey was a single mother with children from two different fathers. She was extra stupid because she bragged about how she never wanted to be married, and she was what I called a 'princess without a kingdom'. She was one of those terrible subs who wouldn't answer her phone if supervisors tried to call her in on her day off. She also would give her hours to another sub if she was on a route she didn't like. Just as a princess would get part of a peasant's crops, so she would get part of our tax dollars in the form of foodstamps and WICS because she refused to work full time. X-P She once told me 'money isn't everything'. It was likely sour grapes, yet I thought, Money sure is everything. It buys both opportunity and nice things for our children.

Both Yolanda and Tanquerey started making snide comments directed toward me. Both of them would talk incessantly about how people shouldn't have children with guys much older than themselves or make dirty old man comments. I mostly ignored them, every once in a while calling them losers, pieces of crap or some other dead-on comment. Yolanda got the hint and stopped addressing me directly. She only made the snide comments directed toward me. Tanquerey didn't get the hint. She'd shout my name loudly, pretending like I wasn't replying to her because I couldn't hear her. Jealous of my relationship with Randall, who took me on nice vacations in Australia, she'd come up with a cockamamie story, then ask my advice. IE: She talked about her filthy rich friend from South Africa who worked for Oprah Winfrey and who took her yachting. She asked me if she should tell him about the feelings she had for him. Too polite to tell her that I didn't give a crap what she did because I didn't give a crap about her, I replied that she was free to make her own life decisions.

Okay, this is getting long and I can't write about every stupid thing they did and said or else I'd be writing a novel to rival Anna Karenina in length. Lets fast forward to almost a year later to November of 2009. The cases were moved by then, so I stopped getting trouble from Yolanda, who got very quiet. Yolanda is a coward who won't cause trouble unless she has you isolated. Around big groups, she reverts to being a phony and sycophant. Tanquerey got worse. It seemed like the new positioning of the cases forced me to be around her more than ever before. She got to where she'd constantly butt into my conversations to ridicule my opinions or tell me how my interests weren't worth having. She'd never add anything to a conversation, except to talk about tv shows she watched, videogames she played, or some other nonsense no1curr about. I looked her right in the eye and told her that I had the right to my opinion and that she wasn't to bully me. Believe me when I say that I'm not just going to stand up for my opinions on the internet, then pussy out irl.

I was astonished when Tanquerey would meet me in the parking lot every so often and do something like invite me to friend her on myspace or go out with her and some work buddies to some event. I thought, Really? Is this trick 4 real? I couldn't figure out if she had such delusions of grandeur that she thought I'd pal around with someone who treated me like crap or if she was playing that game her and Yolanda were fond of in the cul-de-sac, where they'd keep on me until I'd blow up and call them a scumbag. Each time, I'd ambiguously give consent, them quietly not attend a function or not look her up on myspace.

In mid November, Randall got really sick and I had to take two weeks off. It was the perfect time to take off because we got unseasonably warm weather. I was keeping Randall's condition a secret from the work people, just as I've kept it a secret from you LJ readers, although I'll reveal it soon. When I went back to work, Kelly stopped me to talk while she smoked a cigarette under the canopy. She told me that there was a rumour going around that the reason I took the two weeks off was because I either had trouble keeping a pregnancy or that I had trouble even getting pregnant. I never got any proof who was spreading the rumor, but it was awfully funny when Yolanda and Tanquerey started obsessing over babies and being pregnant, almost as if they knew about the rumor and were rubbing it in. Tanquerey even went so far as to talk about how she was either pregnant or thinking about another baby. When I got back from a leave of absense taking care of Randall, Tanquerey actually went down the rows and asked everyone what they'd do if they found out they were pregnant. When people tried to ignore her, she'd be persistent in calling their names until they answered. When she got to me, she didn't ask me and skipped because *wink wink* I couldn't get pregnant, right? I was like, "Seriously!? Are we, like, eight years old?".

ETA: I forgot to add a detail that was pretty important. When I was off taking care of Randall, Tanquerey called my cellphone at 10:30PM. Then she left a message so I'd know it was her. I heard the Iowa fight song at 10:30 and wondered if something was wrong. Imagine how pissed I was to find out it was her! The next day, I called my substitute and told him to spread it around that I wasn't to be bothered at home, except through him. Shortly after, I get this indignant text from Tanquerey! It basically was like "Memememememememememe someone at work might have died. Mememememe...." I called Russell (sub) and found out that a guy had died of a heart attack a few days before. It was no good excuse to call my phone at 10:30PM. I definitely wasn't up to sharing my best (guy who died whom I hardly knew) memories with some broad I couldn't stand at 10:30PM. Besides, she isn't capable of caring about anyone but herself and was calling to harass. Even she isn't so stupid and uncouth to believe calling someone late at night is appropriate! I texted her back telling her she wasn't welcome to call me and that I wasn't entertaining her attention seeking behavior. She had to have the last word, with a text like, "Mememememe ME!" That was the end of it. She didn't call again, so I didn't have to file harassement.

When I got pregnant with Gretchen, I didn't tell anybody. Only the supervisors knew what was going on with me, and I was cool with them. It took three or four months for me to start showing enough for people to guess. That's when Yolanda and Tanquerey had to finally shut their mouths about it for good.

I think I handled it well. I stood up for myself without having to be a victim and file a harassment claim. Even better is how my case is positioned far enough away from both of them, as Tanquerey is on a form 50 route far away until they dismantle and absorb her vacant route after the holidays, Then when she's stuck bouncing around again, she'll still be far enough away because they moved the cases again while I was on maternity leave, and I'm across from a bunch of Frankfort Square routes she doesn't do. Both Yolanda and Tanquerey make a point of talking to one another every day, even though their cases are far apart, because birds of a feather and all.. I'll still talk to Yolanda (if I have to) about work related things because she didn't invade my home life in the middle of the night.

It took me a couple of sessions to write this entry because it's difficult to find time with Gretchen. I also have a lot of things to do, like put up Christmas decorations, plant 12 trees I have heeled in on the side of the house and finish my stone walkway from the house to the garage. The outdoor activities might have to wait for spring, as any warm weather in the winter finds either the ground too soggy or the atmosphere too windy to get any work done. When the weather gets extra cold I'll then find extra time to get back into this, for sure.

Ten years ago, I found out about Ebay, but I used to be a buyer. This was back when I worked as a manager at Hardees, I think, while I waited for my postal test results. I bought a bunch of useless stuff, like native American spiritual figurines and scented candles. Then my parents got pissed off and told me that if I could afford to buy stupid shit, then I could afford to move out. I said, "Fair enough" and quit. Oh no wait...this has to be more than ten years ago, like when I worked for Dr. Bhayani and just started hanging out with my scumbag friends. Anyway, I don't know what clicked in my mind and when and why, but one day, I thought, "Heyy! I can do this! I could sell stuff on Ebay! My parents wouldn't object to me collecting money, LOL!"

The hunting began. I had a huge collection of books that I didn't need, so I started putting up $.99 auctions because they only cost ten cents, and I could relist for free once. I sold enough that I was covering the auction prices of the stuff I didn't sell, plus making a profit. I admit, I sold a lot of stuff for $.99, but I slightly inflated the shipping to get a little more. Sometimes I'd get lucky and have something get bid up almost to what it was worth. I started buying books at garage sales. There were two instances when I got REALLY lucky. One was when I found a book called The Preppie Handbook that got bid up to thirty bucks. Then I found a book called Encyclopedia of Things That Never Were that got bid up to $80. The lady running that particular garage sale had boxes of pewter Dungeons and Dragons figurines. She gave me a few for free, saying she wanted to get rid of them. I could kick myself because I sold those pretty high on Ebay. I should have offered her a lump sum for the whole lot. I haven't seen anyone selling those since either.

I worked with this lady, Laveda, who I used to call the Great Folk Hero of the Post Office because her battles with management were legendary. About Laveda: She used to tell Yolanda in so many words what a useless human being she was. -My hero, seriously. She had a disabled son and a daughter. The son was one of those thalidomide babies who was born with a flipper at the elbow of one arm. He lived on his own and passed away suddenly of a heart attack. Yolanda spread around that when they found him many days after the terrible event, his black Labrador was eating off his body. That is why I hate Yolanda forever, like who says that? It's so believable too, because it's totally something a disgusting dog would do. I don't believe it because Laveda still had the dog when I went by her house. You'd think someone would have put it down (with his/her own hands) if the rumor was true. Back on topic: One day, she asked me if I wanted to buy some of her son's old things. I ended up coming away with two solid oak antique end tables (one of which I take my Ebay pictures on) and a medium sized bookcase filled with hundreds of sci-fi and fantasy books. I made so much on Ebay for the books that I made my money back for the whole lot many times over.

Back then, I used to either wrap books in paper grocery bags or else I'd buy 9x11 sized shipping envelopes when they were on sale at Walgreens four for a dollar. Sometimes I'd get lucky and find someone selling a huge box of shipping envelopes at a garage sale, pretty much giving them away. Also, I always recycled the envelopes I'd get when I'd mail order something. I hadn't caught on to click and ship yet, so I would take all my sales to work and stand in line. Eventually, I caught on that it was worth buying printer ink and paper, just so I could print labels at home. I tried to go cheap, using the blank back sides of already used papers, like bill invoices and such. I would buy refurbished ink, but quickly abandoned that because every third time I'd get skunked with a cartridge I absolutely could not make work. Now when I buy ink on Ebay, I have to type 'geniune ink cartridge' for my model in the search engine. They are pricier but guaranteed to work.

You know how you see ads where people claim to be able to remodel their house with money they make selling on Ebay? It's true! I made so much money that when I mortgaged my first house at age 28 and finally moved away from my parents, I was able to buy all kinds of things to decorate. Back then, I would buy the things I needed directly, but it was difficult to find a deal, as people are prone to gouge. I don't gouge. Since I buy stuff at garage sales or on clearance, I price stuff to sell. That way, I can move so much cheap merchandise that it adds up quickly. I have a credit card bill every month for expenses because Ebay charges 10% final value fees for everything you sell, but I have so much more in PayPal, where the money goes when you sell something.

Right around the time when Randall was going through the immigration process, mom started selling stuff on my account. She sold mostly books, some artwork she got tired of, and some clothes. When I'd sell clothes, I'd put them in lots, as I didn't believe people would buy one article of used clothing. Mom proved me wrong by selling a lot. Now we both have it down to a science, like what brands are guaranteed to sell, what brands will sell after a while, what particular article of clothing sells better with each gender, what kind of kid clothes people are more interested in, etc. We try to keep everything we sell under 13 ounces, as first class shipping is much cheaper than priority or parcel post. Jeans, sweaters and shoes often go over, but are popular enough people will pay higher shipping. I don't sell books much anymore, as I often get hosed on media mail shipping if I don't inflate it enough, while Ebay gives me a discount for every other kind of shipping. I used to ship first class parcels in paper business envelopes, -to keep it light- but I've had a few parcels get mangled in the postal system and lost. Now I buy light-weight plastic shipping envelopes off Ebay in bulk. I can get 200 for under $15. Mom still uses paper envelopes because she gets used ones for free at work.

Mom is a lot better at Ebay selling than I am. She is more committed to buying stuff at garage sales or clearances to make a profit, whereas I buy a lot of stuff for myself and the kids, and only sell if I can't use it. Mom came up with the idea to use the money we make to buy gift cards on Ebay, instead of goods directly for a gouge. You can get a lot of gift cards or store credit cheaper than they are worth, just so long as you don't buy gas cards, Walmart cards, Amazon or Costco. Those always go for more. I've been buying a lot of Lowes cards at a discount, to fix this place up.

The downside to Ebay selling is having a lot of junk sitting around in tupperwares. I always sell stuff I've had for awhile in lots so I can reduce the stock. When I move to Indiana, I'm going to decide if I want to give everything to the church garage sale and start over, or seriously haul everything to the new house. Hopefully, I'll move in the spring, when stock is down anyway, because the only way I get new merchandise over winter is shopping clearance at Goodwill or finding odds and ends on clearance everywhere else. I got rid of A LOT of stuff before the last move, as I didn't want clutter and didn't want to sort through a lot of junk with twin babies. It will be great to move to Indiana because Illinois is always trying to pass laws to tax some of our online profits. Hopefully we will be long gone before they start coming after people. They shouldn't be able to though, because it's like a big online garage sale or flea market. People already got taxed when they bought the items the first time; why should they be double-taxed? We live in a bankrupt state though, so they'll try to get what they can get.

Ebay takes time, like you have to take detailed photos of your merchandise, and you have to give exact measurements for clothing so people will take more care and not return stuff as much. Sometimes you have to answer questions about your item, so people can get more information before purchasing. It's worth it though, because once you list something, it takes no effort to go do something else and let people view your items online. You don't have to take a day off to set up a garage sale or a booth at a flea market, and you can get a steady income, instead of one lump sum from a day of effort. You do have to check email often, in case someone bought an item and sent money through PayPal.

Sometimes a buyer will bid on something and not pay for it. You can open a case against them to get your final value fees back. Mom and I have been selling so long we have a high rating and get free listings often. We get so many free listings that we never pay to list anymore. We used to have a top rated selling status, but ran into a few douches who gave us negative feedback after the post office lost their parcels. Even though we could prove it was the fault of the post office, they still did it to be malicious because there are all kinds online. One time there was a glitch and some idiot was able to leave neutral feedback on an item she never paid for. We had to open a case against her. Mom called Ebay to ask them to remove the bad ratings that weren't our fault. She got a hold of a foreigner who couldn't speak English well, and who kept repeating the same phrases over and over again, which makes us believe they don't know what they are doing. It's annoying because we could have 300 positives, but one negative knocks us down to Power Seller for a month. I love Ebay though because it's an addicting hobby bringing a very satisfying return.

Thought it would be fun to make a post full of creepy weird random material not yet represented by pictures in the blog or by fan works. I called my Tumblr 'tomaxamot' for two reasons: 1.) Because it's a shipping blog and I combined their names (think 'Brangelina' or like 'Baronestro' in the fandom) -and- 2.) It could be the name of their fused soul. This fandom is a kind of laziness, as I have three kids and no time to think of original ideas. I have, however, come up with so many original ideas unrelated to the fandom that I might have come up with OCs inspired by Tomax and Xamot. Maybe I could have called them Max and Monty. The cult world was too much fun to get into though.

I've been curious about something....I've been putting out stuff about these twins for almost a year, yet I've gotten no feedback. Not one person has had anything to say about my creative work. Is it because I got too far away from the fandom as a whole? Is my RAEP CULT head canon too horrible? Fandom is about sex and loneliness right? Well, I feel like that lonely twelve year old who wants to talk about my creepy fandom with somebody but know that nobody would understand me. This whole project is kind of a parody of what I might have been like as a kid getting into what fan girls on the internet get into. When I first created my Live Journal account, I used to be part of the Elfwood community and was exposed to fandom slash. I kind of know the style.

It was a lot of laughs to write Tomax and Xamot slash. -Seems to me most people into it are into these kind of pretty androgynous characters with impossible features, like these guys:

Cult twins are androgynous looking, yet they are more like what I'd call 'endearingly ugly', especially since the Renegades art style is god awful. It is nice that the art style is more real life, however, as the twins and other characters have irl proportionate features. I could imagine Cult Twins as real people, whereas I couldn't with the first example. Just that makes them extra creepy in a good way.

RAH Twins are also endearingly ugly. They have perfect bodies, yet their faces always have these intense and utterly ruthless expressions. When they smile, it's totally crazy, like smiling with their mouths yet promising violence with their eyes.

I would have been WAY more prudish as a twelve year old fan girl. The pervy stuff is me getting back into them as an adult. I recently looked back and remembered what they meant to me as a child. Anytime I ever wrote about them lying entwined was a nod to my childhood, when that's about as physically intimate as they'd get in my head canon. I think of that disturbing night time assault in "Impalement of Tomax" (adult fan fiction) and can imagine how I would have written it as a child: Xamot had woken hours before dawn, shivering and sweating from a forgotten nightmare. He had climbed into bed alongside Tomax, shaking him forcefully and whispering, "Come on, awaken for me, I NEED YOU!!" Tomax had murmured something intelligible, then rolled away. Xamot, not to be denied the comfort of his brother's embrace, had rolled him on his back and pressed his whole body hard against his side, wrapping a leg heavily against his knees as if fused....

When I'd write something like that, I'd guard it well and show no one. I might have expressed some bizarre ideas to a friend or two, then would learn my lesson quickly when they'd get uncomfortable. My head canons back then mostly involved Tomax getting into some kind of trouble, then Xamot would have to rescue him. Sometimes the problem would be too difficult, and he'd turn to the aid of the six psychic mentors, who were like Mary Sues and Marty Stus, each perfect but with endearing flaws: Two were laughably sensible, two were overly kind and two were obnoxious geniuses. I had this idea that the enemies of the six were always trying to kill the twins to hurt them, yet the twins could only be killed if the enemy had both. Tomax wasn't as slippery as his brother, so he was the one in trouble most of the time. Once, I imagined Xamot getting imprisoned; he ended up freeing himself and meeting Tomax halfway. LOL, I found a commercial that could have inspired my head canon, although I'm positive I never saw it until recently: (They mixed them up, btw)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTbQ00enlAk

Inspirations:

Just for fun, I'll do a section full of examples of why I thought up the ideas I did. The Brothers of Light got far too little screen time, yet I still was able to come up with ideas based on the smallest details.

1.) Both the opening of the entry and the idea in Judgement From The Six that Xamot came out of torture the worst were inspired by a couple of scenes lasting only seconds. I based my opinion from two parts, one by their voices at the end of Brothers of Light when Tomax sounded scared but Xamot almost sounded hysterical. It's like the Xamot voice actor was more into sounding terrified. The second was from the brief glimpse of their expressions during White Out:

2.) Tunnelrat: "Okay, is anyone going to bring up how bizarro Tweedledee and Tweedledum seem?"
Roadblock: "They're eccentric, so what?"
Scarlett: "If that was a crime, they'd lock you away."

When I first heard that part, I got this mistaken idea that the twins were somehow victims of that sanctuary. That's how I came up with the hellish analogy. I don't really see them as demons, however, more like a couple of guys who might be half sincere working their con. People come to them for enlightenment, yet they might think, We might have extraordinary psychic abilities, yet we don't really have all the answers. We're still trying to figure everything out ourselves, but we are happy to take everything you have and let you stay with us and be a family until we do.

3.) In Union of the Snake, The Baroness asks Dr. Mindbender, "How long until the mind control is permanent?" That gave me the idea that the twins' mind control might naturally be permanent after a time. The disciples who had been with them the longest would eventually become devoted to them for life. I had this crazy idea that if Tomax and Xamot had passed away under Mindbender's captivity, there would still be people going around spreading the Brothers of Light faith. The psychic mentors would have to take them into custody for deprogramming.

4.) Scene with the falling rock:

This is my personal favorite. Who wouldn't look at this scene and think 'Lets write some creepy PORN!' I never laughed harder writing anything. Poor Xamot. He knows Tomax gets hot for anyone who rescues him from danger because he's been on the receiving end of this constantly. He has this mentality like, "I love my brother so much that I can't even keep my hands off him when he's sleeping. Of course I'll indulge his every whim, even though I'm not really into it." Now I have regrets. I should have made it an exact parallel of the scene. They get hurt because Roadblock doesn't know his own strength. Tomax takes it quietly, but Xamot gets a little dramalicious, just so the viewer gets the point of the pain sharing. I should have had just Xamot shrieking while Roadblock plowed on with an ecstatic expression all mesmerized disciple had. Why wouldn't that be awesome?

5.) Tunnelrat spying from the ceiling- Perfect porn opportunity, if you ask me. That's why I had to write a version where someone spies and accidentally catches them having some really awkward, incestuous sex in the computer room.

6.) Flight From Chateau Cisarovna- At the end of Union of the Snake, the twins look fine and already discuss their next act of nefarious villainy. I'm sure time with Mindbender might have left them at least a little traumatized and very disoriented.

7.) End of Mindbender's Resentment- I head canoned that Mindbender had the twins facing in opposite directions in White Out to be a dick. Then when they were subdued into a trance in Union of the Snake, he kind of let them face each other. Though inappropriate for a cartoon, if their powers work better the closer they get, then they should have been positioned with arms over each others shoulders and heads together.

8.) "The lambs dare not stray..."- That part gave me the idea Tomax started becoming more assertive out of fear of Xamot's deteriorating mental state. He does so arrogantly.

Bonehead Canons:

Collection of ideas from fan fictions that I now think are incredibly stupid or need to be altered slightly to make better sense. Some of my bad ideas make me facepalm with shame; others make me wonder if readers/viewers might have misinterpreted the points I was trying to make about them.

1.) The Scar- I wrote some silly back story about how Tomax was injured during their smuggling days. Realistically, if I wanted to write about RAH and Renegades twins being the same people, then I should have written that Xamot used to be the scarred one, but after ten years in COBRA and twenty more in the sanctuary, his scar faded so much one could hardly see it. Then Tomax was scarred recently in a 'disciple who got away' attack. There's no way a thirty year old injury would look so raw. In fact, one day when I have free time, I'll go back and change this detail. It should please any future readers who are into that self-sacrificing romantic view of Xamot.

2.) Body Building Culture- If both versions of the twins are supposedly the same in my fan fictions, then I should have come up with a damn good reason why Tomax and Xamot went from this...

...to this:

I did come up with the idea that their psychic abilities were draining their strength. Maybe they had too much other stuff going on they didn't have time to lift? It might have been interesting to also suggest they might have used mind-control to make people think they were all huge back in the day, but really they were more slender irl, the gymnasts they were. It reminds me of an idea I had months ago I forgot to express. I had originally wanted their disciples to see them as glorified angelic beings under mind-control. People not mesmerized would see them as they were, and people on their way to becoming mind-controlled would see their features and bodies constantly shifting in an eerie way.

3.) Angels and Demons- I should have made it more clear in writing that the Brothers of Light aren't really demons, any more than they are really living angels. It's an easy analogy to make, as their habit of bending wills and draining bank accounts can be compared to how incubi have sex with sleeping women and drain their life forces. Such unions aren't likely to produce forty six children, however.. that and how I don't like the idea of Tomax and Xamot being pure evil. I more have the idea they do bad things while wrapped up in the ecstasy of each other.

4.) Mindbender's Resentment- I had written: If ever they outlived their usefulness, however, the doctor planned on seeing what would happen if he smothered one, then tried to resuscitate them through the other. There was no guarantee they'd both die, as again, tissue damage didn't get passed through their connection. It was possible the death of one would allow the other to breathe again, something interesting to wonder about. Mindbender was a doctor, so of course he'd know that if both twins weren't breathing and getting oxygen to their brains, then it's certain they'd both die, errr...DUH!! It doesn't matter if one was physically being smothered or forced into it via the psychic connection. Come to think of it, that's probably the only way a person could kill both of them through one of them.

5.) Don't hide from me....never hide..- Chapter three from Judgement From The Six. It was so silly I cringed several times rereading it. Tomax and Xamot spend most of their lives clinging to each other, in and out of each others thoughts. Suddenly, one is able to shut himself off from the other while the other awkwardly says, "Lets pretend we are individuals for a second..and you are the individual with the problem." Then they acted like there were things they didn't know about each other. I left it as it was because I didn't know how to fix it at the time. I finally get how to do it now and might go back and fix it.

Projection of Insecurities:

When a person loves these characters like I do, it's tempting to put a little of oneself into them, making them his/hers. The Brothers of Light focused their energy into the eye in their temple. I focused my creative energy into them. Here are a few examples of where I did this in my creative works:

1.) Garden Scene- Lady Jaye sees two lovely robed figures in the shadows, then gets the creeps when she sees the Brothers of Light up close. This represents how a person can like the idea of someone sitting in quiet perfection, yet find out said person is repulsive upon finding out the truth of what he/she is actually like.

2.) Tomax: LOCK HIM IN ISOLATION!!- Lady Jaye's Sister, Chapter Two when Brother Jacob tries to kill the Brothers of Light. This is one of those 'he beats his wife because he saw his father beating his mother growing up' analogies. The twins would see judgemental glares and isolation as being suitable punishments because it's what they would know, being the weirdos they were. It's telling that up close in that instance, the twins also appear to be hurt and nervous, and of course they would be. Even in a place where they are worshiped as gods, they still have to worry about people attacking them. They probably have had to be on guard their whole lives because of their psychic talents, which leads to....

3.) Freaks in Fear- In fan fiction, Tomax and Xamot escaped Mindbender, then were immediately fearful the authorities would be after them to torment them more. It's likely that nobody gave a crap about them or even knew they were there. If I really wanted to make it personal, I could have had other characters treat them like they were being ridiculous for having this fear, while they countered with, "..but...but IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WITH MINDBENDER!! -Even more personal would have the twins presenting evidence of it happening before, then when others still failed to take them seriously, they might believe that it was all in their heads, and that they might have imagined the pain and taken Mindbender's intentions out of context.

**Side Note** This sounds an awful lot like a rape analogy, but here's the difference. Most people can imagine how horrible rape would be because most anybody could potentially be overpowered and have something forced into an orifice. With the twins, they might get hurt feelings and say, "If we were any other psychically connected twins, then you might be more sympathetic to our plight, but since it's us..." Then it would hit them...their telepathic bond gives them a slew of problems unique unto them. The world is full of people who cannot comprehend their situation, therefore they cannot commiserate.

4.) Psychic Mentors- When I came up with these as a child and let the twins into my world, they were supposed to represent myself, two of my friends and our fictional significant others. One of my friends might have found it creepy to know that I made her significant other a guy version of myself. I was so attached in a non-sexual way that I liked the idea of a relationship. Those two are the only pair I didn't switch the genders on in the recent fan fics.

5.) Family- The Brothers of Light look so much like a pair of namby pamby priests, totally not the type of studs who would father forty six children. I felt people thought of me that way. After I had my first child, some lady I hardly even knew was in utter shock when my mom told her about it. She couldn't believe I'd ever have children. It's like I'm Sister Mary Holy Water, fainting at the sight of a dong or something.

6.) Dr. Mindbender- Got screwed over worse than the twins in the Renegades reboot. He's ordinary and looks childish and ridiculous in the over sized fireman boots. That's totally the kind of villain I'd end up as in the cartoon world. I could be everything he is, except I don't have the potential to be THAT big of a scumbag, one might hope..

Ideas That Didn't Make The Cut

Not everything I came up with turned out to be magical. Here are some ranging from mildly retarded to horrific.

1.) Hypnosis by Psychic Mentors- I wanted to be ironic and have one of the mentors hypnotize the twins. Then I thought, "No, because if they could, they would have already and said, "STOP FUCKING UP!!" If anything, the twins have them under a little bit of mind-control, and that's why they haven't been executed for their various atrocities.

2.) Comatose Xamot- Read on wiki that Xamot was injured into a coma in comic book G.I. Joe Special Missions: Antarctica. Thought it might be fun if I wrote a fic inspired by this where Xamot is able to look through Tomax's eyes and live through him while comatose. Then I realized, no...no that wouldn't be fun AT ALL. It would sound depressing as hell. I might as well end it with Tomax thinking, ..try and stay awake, brother; we are getting awfully sleepy.. Then Xamot would pass away, and Tomax would be found wide-eyed staring and unresponsive. Someone would diagnose him as stroking out.

3.) Amazeballs- This is what I almost called fan fiction called 'Amazements'. Then I told myself...try to be the tiniest bit mature. I'm not asking much..

4.) Mad Scientist- I thought it would be great to do a drawing of that scene where Mindbender has the twins strapped down on his table, except make it the RAH versions. When I went to actually draw it, I just couldn't.

5.) Rape Slash- In the spirit of some of the man-rape slash I read during the Elfwood days, I wanted to do a version where RAH twins get into a knock-down drag out fight, ending with Xamot forcing Tomax down. Tomax would say, "Remember..what you do to me, you do to yourself.." Xamot would smack him in the back of his head and retort, "Yeah, but it's me doing!" This would be me expressing the opinion that Xamot could give it to himself, but Tomax couldn't. It was creepy even for me, especially since Tomax would feel Xamot's passion and give in joyfully, as Xamot -good or bad- is the one their lives depend on. I didn't do it mostly because I couldn't imagine what they'd fight over, therefore deemed it an impossible situation.

6.) Commitment- Almost became an adult story where Tomax would charm a nurse and Xamot would do sexual favors to a guard. It was all creepy with no funny. I scrapped the idea but still wrote the story, which became one of my more serious works.

7.) Twin Pillar Gospel- Almost set after the temples fell, with disciples talking about the weirdness of the Brothers of Light in past tense. When I came up with the punchline at the end, I had been at work at the time. I choked with laughter so hard that some lady asked what I was laughing about. I replied, "Oh gawd...you don't want to know."

Good Ideas I Didn't Get To:

I liked where these ideas were going. I might still do a couple. It was a case of thinking about them, then maybe being distracted by another idea I was more passionate about. Sometimes I would come up with something good overall, then get stuck on a detail or two. That's why I jot down outlines for many of my fan works.

1.) Stormshadow- I like this character, think he's tragic. Thought it would be interesting to write a short story guessing at what it would be like to have a little of oneself put into six other beings. Would he have been able to see through the eyes of the shadow vipers? -Feel what they felt? How much of himself would be in them? How would he have felt when they were destroyed and he became one again? In keeping with the theme, I would have Stormshadow sneaking into Mindbender's lab and visiting the twins at the end. He would ponder the mysteries of the universe and ask himself what he was doing. It would be a complicated concept requiring more deep thought.

2.) Sanctuary- Spooky story about Tomax and Xamot first arriving in their world apart with heads shaved, unable to speak. Their lives would be devoted to learning how to tap into their as yet unknown psychic talents. Visitors like Brother Franz would start to arrive and find two strange beings who weren't quite charismatic yet, which leads to....

3.) Creepy Twins Don't Know They Are Creepy- I actually had this one half-written, but then the weather got good and I lost my motivation to produce regular material for this fandom. Tomax and Xamot are puzzled by the reactions of people like Tunnelrat and wonder what's the deal with them. -Humorous.

4.) Petra and Donte- Creepiest idea yet. The Brothers of Light leave their sanctuary to go with these two mentors who promise to heal Xamot's mental trauma and get them into fighting shape again. On the flight to their abode, Petra and Donte hold them like big six foot tall children, patting their backs. The twins look at each other awkwardly but don't say anything because they are afraid of them, especially Donte, who is like the Mountain from Game of Thrones.

5.) Xamot Healed- Xamot gets irritated at Tomax's pridefulness and feels the need to put him in his place. Tomax takes this without a struggle, realizing that he had been goading Xamot for years, hoping to see his old spirit. They had been taking on each others personality traits in a not-helpful way. -Came up with this feeble plot because I saw that Adult Fan Fiction site had a tag called 'porn without plot'. That tag totally needs to be used on a Brothers of Light story that's all non-stop sex with Xamot getting Tomax back for every act of aggression perpetrated against him.

6.) Sleeping Drawing- Wanted to do a visual of this part of fic: Exhaustion hit, sinking them like stones. Tomax slowly fell over sideways, pulling Xamot to his chest. Before they could even try not to, they soon fell into a fitful, nightmare plagued sleep. This is just because I can't get enough shipping drawings of the twins squeezed together embracing.

Whoa, this is over four thousand words long. I wasn't playing around. :-D It's hilarious most of my public posts are fandom related, so I can link to blog. I've been very prolific on LJ lately, but everything is f-locked.

I'm spending WAYY too much time on the internet reading about Puppygate, where a few conservatives -who were attacked by sjws trying to ruin their careers- altered the Hugos so that sjws would stop dominating them with gay and gender preaching. I loved reading this from one of the main players: http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/04/09/a-response-to-george-r-r-martin-from-the-author-who-started-sad-puppies/

I was banned today from ultra leftist George RR Martin's LJ. He never unscreened my comment. All I wrote was the following in reply to someone else defending the Sad Puppies: "Even other leftists are starting to think that sjws are crazy." Then I dropped this link: http://www.thecrimson.com/column/words-words-words/article/2015/3/12/simplistic-social-justice-warrior/

The banning was probably the result of 1.) Leftist intolerance for dissenting opinions -and- 2.) Martin treating the term 'sjw' as if it were the n-word. Even though I was banned, I've been still reading Martin's biased posts. I found this disturbing thread:

http://grrm.livejournal.com/418643.html?thread=20802643#t20802643

-Don't know what else this John C. Wright has written to offend the sjws, but they are calling him a homophobe because he objects to a lesbian relationship being canon in a children's cartoon? That's kind of creepy and not in a way I like. I was thinking of my Tomax and Xamot fandom in reply to this, like it would be funny to take the piss and pretend like I want to campaign to have my inappropriate brotherly love headcanon become real canon because of how these twins look at one another meaningfully.

Then I came to the conclusion I had better not because of Poe's Law: "Any sufficiently advanced troll is indistinguishable from a genuine kook." People might take me seriously because of how rabid sjws are. If it's supposedly okay to push homosexual romance in kid cartoons, then how can twincest be called icky, YOU INTOLERANT BIGOTS!!! Seriously, that's the mentality of a small handful of bullies who want to force public acceptance of a certain lifestyle on an unwilling populace. People become afraid to speak out against it, but they'd still believe it's wrong in their secret hearts. This Sad Puppy campaign gives me hope that people are willing to push back hard against sjws and their idea of 'wrong think'.

I'd feel like a skeevy weirdo even joking around about pushing twincest or any incest as a norm. I know it's wrong, but that's the fun of it in this case. Tomax and Xamot are creepy because of their psychic connection; that's the appeal with me. IE: They finish each others sentences and they have incestuous relations because they can feel the sensations of each others bodies telepathically. The newer versions of them run a cult in the middle of the desert where they've mind controlled people into worshiping them as gods. I came up with a chilling head canon about how they have a bunch of children from people they've raped under mind control. If that doesn't make a person's skin crawl then what would? I'm not trying to pass any of these ideas as great, wonderful, acceptable btw...just personally fun. :-P The old me would have trolled these ideas hard, but I've been acting in good faith of late.

This would make sense with my head canon that Tomax is the thinker and Xamot is the doer. ENTJs have a need to be organized and are good at planning ahead, whereas ENFPs are more spontaneous and relaxed. This could explain why I see Tomax as being 'quieter' than Xamot, yet still forceful and energetic. The ENTJs tend to be the least social of the extroverted types and can even be seen as socially awkward because of how they can be brutally direct and not always in tune with other peoples feelings. When the twins make people uncomfortable and give people the creeps, it might be mostly the fault of Tomax because he gets the first word in an awful lot.

I see Xamot as being the easier to like in a corporate setting. His personality type would make him looser and more relaxed in social settings, while Tomax might come across stiffer and colder. At a company picnic, Xamot might laugh at a person's jokes for the sake of laughing, while Tomax might look at a person as if he/she is retarded, depending on if he thought the joke was funny or not, or if his mind was on something else. -Theoretically. This is assuming they didn't terrify the fuck out of everybody. Maybe a lot of people would see them as like two huge gorillas in suits, or like neanderthals...intelligent, feral, cunning, and capable of breaking a person with their bare hands. They would mostly come across as intense..intense..intense, except that one happens to be intense in an unpredictable kind of way, and the other....just solidly intense.

XAMOT AS THE DOMINANT PERSONALITY:

I had to pause and think a moment, slack jawed. I literally felt like smoke was coming out my ears as I had to figure out how an overly emotional hippie ENFP personality could prevail over an ENTJ, which coupled with Tomax's size would make him a definite alpha male BOSS personality. In fact, the few other people that I've seen interested in these characters saw Tomax as the dominant personality. One fan fiction I read gave Tomax defining qualities that didn't have to do with Xamot, but then Xamot's strongest defining quality was his devotion to keep Tomax alive and safe. Another expressed the idea that Tomax might be manipulative and take advantage of this devotion. They must have seen Xamot's self-sacrificing personality as a weakness. I don't see Xamot as being self-sacrificing, per se, more like quicker to react in the defense of his brother.

If Xamot is the dominant personality, it has to be because Tomax allows him to be because he feels he deserves to be. They probably have been through a lot of power struggles in their relationship that Xamot has won because he is...um...better at some stuff? -More charming? Maybe Xamot earned Tomax's respect when he bailed him out of dangerous situations? It has always made so much sense to me to make Xamot the dominant personality. People are individuals first; these personality types don't put exact definitions on people. This is all fantasy land; I can make them who I want. :-D I see Xamot as being a person of volatile emotions, which would make him really, really aggressive. Tomax might goad him to be an asshole, and Xamot would respond by lashing out in a furious rage, and for a second, want to just destroy him. Then he'd pause and think, I don't want to fuck up Tomax, but if it were anyone else, I totally would. Tomax would think, I like this about him....this killer instinct..

Maybe Tomax and Xamot look at each other and see someone who is exactly like them but better. Xamot might be this kind of guy with swagger who walks around feeling awesome, and Tomax expresses his devotion by playing on this because he is prideful himself, so he boosts Xamot's ego. Xamot expresses his devotion in an over powering and sometimes smothering kind of way, like I could see him saying, "I love you so much I could EAT YOUR FACE!!" *creepy psychotic glare*

WHEN PERSONALITIES CLASH:

I once joked in a fan fiction that Tomax would be working at his desk when suddenly he'd be compelled through their psychic connection to somersault across the room because of Xamot's bored tension. There'd likely be times when Tomax would get irritated at Xamot because ENFPs are easily distracted and sometimes have difficulty focusing on what they'd consider to be boring or mundane tasks. Tomax would get irritated over Xamot's squirreliness, while Xamot might think Tomax is overly serious, overly sedentary, and often focused on one task for too long period of time. Xamot might wonder how it is he's the dominant personality, yet it seems like they do an awful lot of what Tomax wants to do and not enough of what he wants to do.

Xamot wouldn't think this complaint in exactly that way. It would be more abstract. This was a point where I had to think a little. When I first decided to do this post, I thought I'd be able to crank it out all at once during 'me' time after dinner. Then it turned into some deep thinking as I went about my routines for a few days. I came to the conclusion Xamot would wonder why he can't get Tomax to ALWAYS do what he wants, since he's a motivator in this relationship. ENTJs are good at being focused, so sometimes Tomax would be able to tune Xamot out. Their psychic connection makes them always have a need to be around one another, which would frustrate Xamot to no end because ENFPs are independent, but it's not possible for Xamot to be fully independent because of their bond. I could see them getting into arguments that would cause Xamot to leave and do his own thing for a while. Sometimes he'd come back right away; other times Tomax would finally come out of what ever task he's absorbed into and go find him. Inevitably, they'd gravitate toward one another, ending up side by side wordlessly in peace.

I imagine RAH twins would be able to tune each other out better than the cult twins. One would often have a sense of the location of the other (whereas it would be always with cult twins). Tomax would be better at ignoring Xamot and focusing on himself, which is why Xamot is the more anxious of the two. Xamot might have an unconscious need to know where Tomax is at all times, whereas Tomax might not have that need as much, or he can ignore it for a time.

I'll bet it was totes Xamot's idea to install the bars on the side of the Extensive Enterprises building. ENFPs are out of the box thinkers. Tomax, being a practical ENTJ, might have accused him of being frivolous, like, "Do we really need the bars?! How often are we going to use them, srsly?". Then when they came in handy during the scene in Red Rockets Glare, Tomax would concede that, yes, they were a good idea, although later they might have wished they had some on the back of the building when they got kicked into dumpsters by two women. Maybe they weren't on that side of the building because they were less likely to be seen doing awesome flips and laughing like lunatics by the public.

THE BROTHERS OF LIGHT:

This continuity has twins with the same exact personalities except obviously fucked in the head, imho. I thought maybe cult twins might be their introverted counterparts, like INTJ and INFP, being the mystical psychics they are. Then I thought, Oooooohh no. There's no way anyone other than some cray cray extroverts could run a cult full of mesmerized disciples and put up giant statues of themselves. Introverted counterparts wouldn't be the types to get up in front of their disciples and give speeches about how everyone should respect their divine authority. They'd probably get someone else to do that and make a spectacle of how holy they are in the background. If they couldn't get anybody they liked to speak for them, then Tomax would likely do all the talking, while Xamot stood by his side in serene silence. I came up with that scenario because INTJs are natural behind the scenes leaders, but they can step up if they have to.

I've always been intrigued by the idea of the Brothers of Light, just because of how their cult is such a nightmare world, or at least my interpretation of it is. The front of their temple has twin atlases holding up a globe. When visitors enter their temple, it's like entering Tomax and Xamot's fantasy world where they are two powerful gods holding everything together. -But they are but men, and their hold on everything is so very feeble. -So many variables come into play over how their mind control fails, like when they are separated, asleep, or when a victim suffers a hard blow. That's why they have to focus their energy into the eye in the idols, so that their power can stay constant while they attend to their human needs. Do they only have to focus energy into the eye once? I wonder if the eye keeps draining them? What would happen if they actually took their faith world wide and tricked many more people into connecting with them telepathically?

The Brothers of Light are really full of themselves if they really think it's possible to hold the whole world in their hands, -or their heads- and the attempt would turn them into idols themselves. They would become trapped in their own minds, constantly focusing their energy and trying to keep track of all the people whose thoughts they've forced their wills into. It would be like spreading themselves too thin. This idea reminds me of an episode of Batman: The Animated Series where the Riddler traps Batman in a virtual fantasy world of his creation. Batman starts replicating himself and tricks Riddler into doing the same. When there are about a hundred copies of Riddler, Batman asks him how he can focus on being one hundred different people at once, while at the same time able to concentrate on keeping his world together. This blows the Riddlers mind. All of a sudden, the whole virtual world starts collapsing, and Batman is set free. When he finds Riddler, he's sitting there drooling and out of his mind. -Or I should say he was trapped in his own mind as he tried to work his way through the maze of rubble in his broken world to find the way back to reality.

I could imagine something similar happening to the Brothers of Light when they've focused their power into eyes all over the world. They'd spend most of their days in deep concentration, fed and clothed and carried around by their disciples like living statues as they spent every living breathing moment holding their world together. They'd never get to everyone. Screwing each other in their remote oasis is a kind of paradise they don't appreciate fully as they pursue their foolish ambitions. X-D

A nightmare scenario might be if Tomax and Xamot teamed up with Dr. Mindbender to siphon their powers in such a way they could permanently mind control people within twenty minutes (or however long it took in Union of the Snake. I'm not going to check). If people were permanently devoted to them, then it wouldn't be a drain on their energy. I could see Mindbender trying to trick them into forcing their wills into the minds of too many people at once, so that they would become trapped in their own minds and able to be used as figureheads by Mindbender and his cronies.

Side Note: I think Mindbender would the the dark side of an INTJ. He doesn't give a fuuuuck about anybody, only being concerned with how he can use people to benefit his experiments, like Ripcord or the twins. Since he's both a genius and a smart-mouthed prick, he would be arrogant and quick to point out the limitations of others. INTJs can be isolationists, so Mindbender would be happy to spend most of his time alone in his underground laboratory turning his bizarre ideas into living, breathing abominations. If anyone could turn his crack pot diabolical schemes into reality in the most efficient way possible, it would be someone with his personality type. I thought it was funny when he got an eye opener when he smarted off to his boss, who probably was sick of him after spending the day dealing with him. Cobra Commander threatened to feed Mindbender to his giant snake, to which Mindbender replied something like, "I'll try to speak slowly so you understand, asshole..." *gives nuts a lift* "...I know all your secrets. Without me, everyone would know your secrets, and you'd never find another scientist as brilliant and amazing as me." *sneersneersneer* That's when Cobra Commander zapped him with his cane and smashed his hand. Lets just say INTJs aren't the best with people skills.

Anyway, now on to how this relates to the personalities of Cult Twins. People with their personality types might go a little stir crazy in that setting, especially since Tomax and Xamot would have to hide their exuberance whenever they get new visitors. They depend on being able to trick people into entering their temple and becoming mesmerized, so they have to be careful not to come on too strong and intimidate people with their special abilities. That's why they put their hands together and speak in soft, soothing voices as they present proof of being able to read minds, which would unsettle anybody. They probably are able to leave the sanctuary because the eye in the temple reinforces their powers so people stay mesmerized in their absence, yet they probably don't. Disciples are too easily jarred out of the hypnosis so need constant supervision.

I think Tomax would be more likable in this setting, per my head canon. Xamot shows signs of being unstable and abusive, like when he slapped Brother Franz. When Tomax is known as being the 'kind and gentle' one, it's because he's being judged on both his benign priestly look and his ability to control himself. He could be just as big of a dickhead as Xamot, only he's not the one who gets all up in a person's face, screaming shrilly and lashing out at times. When I came up with my ideas, I was basing my character profiles on looks too. IE: Tomax the ENTJ acting cold and aloof wouldn't be seen that way. He would be like the proper mystical psychic. Xamot the ENFP trying to act like the life of the party would come across as a nutjob, like a mad prophet who goes around busting out weird shit all the time.

I almost did an outline for this in a notebook but then thought, "Ooooohh no..there's no way I'd ever finish this if I did that. I'd over think it to death." That's why I winged it over the course of a few days. I've been exhausting myself being busy all week, but in a way that I had time to think of silly stuff while I worked. Weather has still been almost non stop rainy or cloudy. I just checked the ten day report. They have got to be kidding:

The Kankakee River is almost up to the bridges, and the river has submerged bridges in Momence, which is screwed. The sheriff's department released a video showing an aerial view of flooding after Monday's rains. If one looks at 1:10, one can barely see the ripples where the dam is. The high side is level with the low side, and one can only see the top of the arches on the Station Street bridge. I've never seen it like this in all the years I've lived here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO-_Z0ibzOY

Pansies crowded out anything else I put in here.

What is that plant with white petals and yellow middles? I bought it in a quart pot at a garage sale for two bucks last year. Now it's spreading everywhere and getting leggy.

Bicycle planter looks good. I put diapers in the bottoms of all the pots, in case I would forget to water in the summer. With so much rain, I rarely have to water anyway.

Most of the white alyssum are volunteer plants. I probably don't even need to replant them at this point.

Probably should have researched Cleomes better. I planted a few, then watched them get gargantuan and crowd out the climbing roses.

Stonecrop is spreading more than I've ever seen. It's even coming up in random places in that rock. I'm trying to close it in more, as the border bricks don't go all the way to the street, and the grass keeps creeping into the rock.

There were more plants by the mailbox, but the osteospernum is crowding everything out. I've never seen them get so wide. There was originally two: one spoon flower and one purple version.

The big thing with the fuschia flowers is another garage sale find in quart pot. It's spreading pretty fast too.

I should hack off some of the tentacles off the mint. It's trying it's best to become a land kraken somewhere.

A planter with vinca vines in the background that need to be cut back a bit.

I've had a hard time getting anything to grow in this corner with poor soil and drainage, but everything has stayed alive so far. The catnip and St. John's Wort is even spreading.

Found four quart pots of hostas at a garage sale last week for seventy five cents. Was able to even divide some of the plants and put them among the lungwort and coral bells. They are doing well.

x-posted to gardening

First I will put up my collection of IDW Comic panels along with commentary:

I didn't get into the IDW comics because the little I saw of them online didn't make me love this version of the twins. It's like the writers took away the fun and spirit of G.I. Joe and made it harsh, real world. The characters were more brutal and the body count was high, something I never enjoy in any work. Good or bad, I'd rather everyone stayed alive, especially main characters. I cringed when I saw these twins working as mafioso slavers. It's like they made them the lowest of the low. They even had them spending three years hanging out with Muammar Gadaffi. That's pretty hardcore.

Tomax and Xamot mostly played the part of corrupt corporate tycoons. There was no flashy costumes, acrobatics or even much in the way of a psychic connection. I still remember that starstruck feeling I got when I was twelve and first saw them on ARAH. Every time I caught a glimpse, my heart would race, and I'd try to imprint every part of what they looked like in my memory because they were so AMAZING. They were like super hero rock stars and out of place as villains, which made them more intriguing. Then they had that magical psychic connection on top of it. In the comics, I never saw evidence of pain sharing or thought finishing. They weren't even mirror image. The following panel shows the only hint of a connection:

Side Note: I like the Extensive Enterprises motto in the comics, 'Are We Not Drawn Onward To New Era?'. The ARAH version was 'We Will Mortgage the Future in the Present', which was so cheesy but in the spirit of that show.

Tomax and Xamot were shown as identical twins who dressed in different colors so the reader could tell them apart. Tomax was always in white with a blue shirt, and Xamot was in black. When they were together, Tomax's words were surrounded in blue and Xamot's in red. I tried to think of what Tomax might have meant when he said, "Slavery is freedom....the awful lie of free will is exposed in the unbreakable connection between my brother and myself." I had to think about it for a while, as it came across so nonsensical. I finally came to two conclusions: 1.) Tomax might be clearing his conscious. Maybe he has this attitude like since he was raised by a mafia, he never had any choice in the direction his life went, therefore he could never be held completely responsible for the wrongdoing he so enjoyed. This isn't true, of course, but since he's a villain, he's capable of deluding himself such. 2.) This was a way he expressed both his love for his brother and the satisfaction his life had brought him. The present situation was copacetic for Tomax. He had his successful business, excitement in the form of Mr. X, and lofty goals in the service of Cobra.

Xamot on the other hand....

Xamot got shot in the face. I included a picture of him close up because of how absurd his injury looked in this comic. He had the same looking injury as Scar from the Lion King, except on the opposite side. It's obvious Scar was slashed by a claw, but how the hell did Xamot supposedly get shot at that angle? Was someone lying flat on his/her back shooting straight up? Come on now...oh well, artistic license.

Anyway, this whole situation accurately expresses their individual personalities, per my head canon. It's likely Xamot had been dissatisfied with his life for a long time, yet the injury gave him the courage to finally admit it. Tomax was totally clueless, working at this desk all day, calling his brother every so often to ask when he's going to come into work and "-By the way, we haven't spent time together in a while have we?" Xamot wouldn't take his calls because he was dreading the inevitable confrontation where he had to tell him things he knew his brother won't understand/have patience for.

From the Comic: Returning to work, Xamot was never lacking for attention or company, but he still felt isolated. More and more, he sought time alone, rather than spending it with Tomax. He was afraid that his life had become stale, and longed for a return to the days when all it took to change the world was a pickup truck and a gun. With so many tools at his disposal, so much within his grasp, he was losing perspective.
To Xamot, managing a business empire was an empty task. Conflict had become less profitable than peace. Bored with building infrastructure, Xamot stopped taking his brother's calls, and spent more time alone. He was famous as a businessman, but his heart longed for the open field of battle, not boardrooms.
Feeling absolutely no connection to his brother any more, Xamot looked at himself in the mirror and chose to give up the comforts of society that were making him weak. Thinking back to his Mediterranean upbringing, he used a pair of clippers and began shaving his head, just as young Corsican soldiers would do when they felt consumed with purpose, obsession, and misguided individualism.

Finally they would get together. After Tomax would get over the shock of Xamot's shaved head, he would try to patiently listen to him blather on about how he wasn't getting enough excitement in life and needed to find his purpose or inner child or some crap. "Don't you miss the days when we used to shoot rebels from a pick up truck in the stinking jungle?" Xamot would ask, "Those were the days, when it was just you and me, a couple of guns, maybe a bottle of shine. We'd end a perfect day in a remote, peaceful village, having our ways with a couple of under-aged slave girl virgins. Things were so uncomplicated back then."

Tomax would think about his comfortable penthouse suite and high priced hookers and roll his eyes. He'd reply, "Goddammit Xamot..what has gotten into you? You sound like some loser dwelling on his high school glory days. We are fabulously wealthy and run one of the most successful companies in the world! We are on the verge of getting everything we've ever wanted! How could this not be enough? Sometimes I don't feel much of a connection with you either!"

Perhaps Tomax didn't understand that his dreams weren't necessarily Xamot's dreams. Xamot wanted his brother to be happy, yet he wasn't getting his needs met in this continuity, per my Myers-Briggs head canon. -Well, kinda. They still had the Crimson Guard. Being the intuitive thinker, Tomax would have been happier in an impersonal office setting, whereas intuitive-feeler Xamot would have been happier directing the Crimson Guard on missions. Xamot would have been perfectly content in the IDW world if he would have been able to do fun stuff, like in ARAH, such as riding around in ATVs, flying trouble bubbles and dressing in flashy costumes while doing acrobatic stunts. I didn't see any evidence of this in IDW. All they had was Mr. X, which stopped being fun after Xamot got a bullet graze too close to his brains for comfort.

Having this thought just now makes me think the twins (or maybe just Xamot, idk) might be borderline sensors, like their intuitive characteristics only dominate just so.

I also wonder about Brothers of Light Xamot. He doesn't get to do all that fun stuff either. This version of the twins is more subdued, yet I can see them as the type to put on flashy shows for their disciples. There's also their dream of spreading their faith to the outside world, which would give them hope for further excitement. I'll go into the woulda/coulda/shoulda of Season 2 BoL later.

I included the following panel because it shows Tomax being sensible, while Xamot is being a reckless nutjob for fun. I read the synopses. The man they have captive is Chuckles, who has a beef with the twins because they were responsible for getting his gf Jinx killed while they were fucking around playing Mr. X. The Cobra Commander made a secret deal with Chuckles that if he joined Cobra, he could get his revenge on the twins and take Extensive Enterprises. This because CC doesn't feel they are doing a good enough job running the business since they started fighting a lot, and Xamot seemed to turn unproductively nutty. Xamot figured out the conspiracy while Tomax stayed clueless. In typical Xamot fashion, he took steps to save their lives.

In the next panel, Xamot had just knocked Tomax unconscious with a blow to the head, then handcuffed an arm to a leg. Since he was seen as unhinged, his access to certain areas of the building was restricted. He would need to pose as his brother to move around safely.

Somehow Xamot was able to turn up a wig looking exactly like Tomax's longer hair style. My guess is the making of this was Tomax's idea. He made him wear it to look attractive when they would heartily bang each other. The twins might have been at odds much of the time in this continuity, yet Tomax knew if Xamot showed up rocking a wig and big cheesy smile, then it was time to put aside his differences and start wetting his lips. Anyway, moving on....

Xamot dressed in a white suit and wig, then used makeup to cover his scar so he'd look like Tomax. Then he went out to take down Cobra Commander in a coup. At the same time, Chuckles was on the move wreaking havoc. I enjoyed the fourth panel. It's as if Xamot be like *te tum te tum te tum* Look at me, I'm Tomax. I'm cool and composed when my life is in danger. *hrraderk*

Meanwhile, Chuckles found the real Tomax, freed him, forced him to lead him to restricted areas, since Xamot had stolen his pass earlier. -Thought it was interesting reading the following in the synopses: Chuckles tells Tomax that he needs access to certain rooms to continue the destruction of the facility called Section 20. So Tomax submits and walks him to the areas he asks. Chuckles thinks to himself, "It's always the ones who love to make people hurt that fold the fastest." Chuckles had labeled him a typical bully...sadistic, yet a coward deep down. I think this was a bit unfair. Tomax had been having an incredibly bad day, and oh boy, was it about to get worse. First he found out that the Cobra Commander was murdered, shot in the head by Chuckles. Then after he escaped in a plane with the Baroness, Chuckles managed to blow up the whole Cobra base, incinerating himself and Xamot, who happened to be sitting right next to him. It said in the comic Tomax screamed at the loss. I'm guessing it was from shock at feeling the connection ending for real in an instant. There was no body to mourn over. Xamot was gone, wiped from existence completely. Incidentally, it's the same way he went in that terrible transformers continuity.

-So Tomax lived on, but then IDW kept writing about him! He ended up in the Cobra Civil War series, where the top members of Cobra fought to become the new Cobra Commander. Tomax seemed like the least likely candidate. Not only was he distraught over losing Xamot, but he ended up in prison right away. The prison guards were told he was a special prisoner and not to be harmed. This meant solitary confinement, no hanky-panky in the showers, etc. With the only person he ever loved gone and nothing to live for, Tomax was in such anguish he looked around his cell for something to kill himself with. Seeing nothing obvious, he (this really happened, no joke) decided the best plan was to peel toxic paint chips off the walls and mix them with his food. He quickly got ill and showed symptoms of poisoning. Guards rushed him to the infirmary. After a while, Tomax snapped out of his despondency and went on a killing spree to escape. I couldn't find details in the synopses, but Tomax eventually got disqualified from becoming the Cobra Commander. It probably wasn't for any better reason than he was too ordinary. The writers likely wanted someone flashier and more interesting to be the new leader, such as Zartan or Destro. This makes me wonder...why kill off Xamot? From a marketing pov, why kill off the person who made Tomax interesting? Without that psychic connection to a mirror image twin, he was just a regular guy who ran a company. They might as well have called him by his real name, like Max Paoli or 'Tom' or something. Perhaps they were just too much of oddballs to fit into this particular universe, and the writers weren't interested in writing about twin powers, to which I say LAAAAAME!!

Adding paranormal elements to a real-world setting always makes a story more fun. That's why I was a fan of such shows as the X-Files, Matrix and Men In Black. Currently, I'm on the second book of the World Made By Hand series Witch of Hebron, which gave me a pleasant surprise by revealing supernatural elements toward the end of the first book. Some was a bit ott, but I went with it. When G.I. Joe 3 comes out, I hope that version of the twins has all the symptoms of the psychic connection, like sentence finishing and pain sharing. I hope they don't kill one of them off in that movie. It has to be both or neither. Killing one off and leaving the other with the connection severed would be too psychologically cruel imho.

This was the last thing I found Tomax in by himself (WHY?!). The G.I. Joes captured him; he decided to cooperate with them and tell them about Cobra Commander's son 'Billy'. Supposedly, it had an abrupt and sad ending, yet I couldn't find a complete summary anywhere. If anyone reads this and has read Son of the Snake, could you just tell me what happened? I have anonymous comments open.

Moving on to my weird thoughts about the Brothers of Light. I had to think for a day to ever remember what I had wanted to write about. It's been a full month since an LJ friend of mine did a post inspiring me to wonder about a few things. He had written:

http://prester-scott.livejournal.com/1889991.html

My speculation is that the curse of death is to be understood as applying to humans specifically, and this, not because human flesh was inherently immortal prior to the Fall and has undergone a physical change, but because Man's unity with God was (or could become) such that he would be suffused with divine power and would not be enslaved to material limitations. It is obvious that as to the animal side of our nature, humans are just as mortal as beasts. But the central theme of Christian anthropology is that God made Man for union and communion with Himself: that we would become partakers of the Divine Nature through being joined mystically to the Body of Christ the God-Man. Like an electric appliance is by its very shape and design intended to operate while plugged into a power source greater than itself, so the human being is designed to be "plugged into" God. Such were Adam and Eve originally, though I opine they were innocent but not perfected; they had yet to grow up into the fullness that God had planned for them. Once "unplugged" from God, they and we didn't work right anymore, doomed to run down, break down, and die. By contrast, when a fallen person is "plugged in" by Holy Baptism and subsequent faith and obedience, his parts begin to be set in order, first within the soul, then at length in the body as well. Our example of the omega-state of humanity is the resurrected Jesus. In his appearances, it is clear that He retained the same tangible flesh that died on the Cross, but He also was able to exceed the limits of the flesh at will. "The corruptible must put on incorruption, and the mortal must put on immortality." (1 Corinthians 15:53)

Moreover, per Romans 8, this creative, life-giving power will not end with the human body, but will extend throughout creation, over which God appointed Man the steward in the beginning. It is possible there will indeed be a literal fulfillment of Isaiah 11. If so, it would not be done by physically remodeling the lion to have the teeth and guts of a herbivore so he can eat straw, but rather by extending a sliver of supernatural peace, order and immortality to the lion, so that he no longer needs to strive and kill to survive, yet retains his fierce majesty. And maybe the universe will indeed take on a timeless quality, but if so, it won't be by rewriting natural law, but by transcending it. The sons of God will spread heaven across the earth. "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

I left the comment saying that I believed this thought of his was true, and that I had been making a mockery of it with my fandom. The Brothers of Light are going around pretending to be gods and using their mind control powers to make their disciples become 'plugged in' to them. -But it's all a lie. They are committing the sins of prideful self-idolatry and of being false prophets. It made me wonder...are head canon Tomax and Xamot committed atheists? If not, then how would they dare to do this without fear of offending a higher power? My answer is that they might believe in a god, but imagine Him as a remote being who doesn't get involved in the lives of mortals. Maybe they don't believe they are even doing anything wrong, like, "We are gods among men, but would submit to a divine authority if it presented itself." *wink*

I also had the strange thought they'd have a memory of being connected to God at one time, yet now feel a bitterness deep down at feeling the connection severed. This is another demonic analogy, as fallen angels would also have felt the pain of this loss. With the twins though...they aren't demons, but they are genetic anomalies who subliminally remember being connected for a blink of an eye in time between the time they were made and the time they were born. After, they had to be content living with their own loving bond.

Disclaimer: This particular fuckery is not a reflection of myself and my beliefs. Someone in a locked post expressed the opinion I might be using the twins to figure out life or express ideas from my repressed subconscious mind. It might be true. I'll keep an open mind because of the whole Johari's Window Blind Spot theory. Most of this is me expressing my love for these characters by making up personality traits to give them depth. They didn't get enough screen time to give the viewer much in the way of what they were like as individuals beyond their soul less cohesion. Granted, some of my head canons are horrific, yet there are many people who love villains and their atrocities. Look at The Joker from Batman. He's loved even though he intentionally mass murders people and enjoys chaos.

Tomax and Xamot are nowhere near as evil as the Joker. If I had to place them into tropes, per my head canon, then I'd call them Unwitting instigators of doom -or- Oblivious Evil. They know they are villains, yet if someone sat them down and interviewed them, they might have different ideas why. Take the Crimson Twins for example:

Interviewer: "Why do you think people perceive you as being the bad guys?"
Crimson Twins: "Well, because we engage in illegal activities working for a terrorist organization...""...and have been building our own private army for the goal of...""WORLD DOMINATION!""Other than that, we believe we are alright guys...""...and would be fair supreme rulers. After all, our Crimson Guardsmen love us.."
Interviewer: "Yes, but what about all the times you got people hurt/killed while performing your reckless stunts?"
Crimson Twins: "We can't be held responsible for other people...""They need to watch themselves..""It's difficult enough for us having to deal with the...""..liability of our shared sensations.."

The interviewer would have to try and explain the others weren't willful participants of their fun times, and that their almost super human gymnastic abilities gave them an unfair advantage. It's the same with the Brothers of Light. If someone asked them why they'd think it was okay to rape someone under mind-control, they'd vehemently deny raping anybody. They'd only believe they were guilty of both the mind-control and the direct orders they gave. IE: Tomax and Xamot told their disciples to attack the Joes. They'd consider themselves responsible for that assault. They didn't have to tell their disciples to sleep with them; the brothers and sisters ran to their arms willingly, therefore they thought it was real. Ask them if their disciples would still sleep with them while not under hypnosis and they might be like, ..why wouldn't they? Just look at us; we are beautiful and amazing.

Anyway, back to the whole plugging followers into them idea. I wonder how far their mind-control would have gone if there had been a season 2 of Renegades? It's a creepy thought. I'm trying to imagine the Brothers of Light in suits doing their whole Extensive Enterprises schtick. Would their office buildings be full of adoring, mesmerized followers? Would they have idols holding up eyes in pyramids spread around as prolifically as cell phone towers?

It has taken me a month on and off to get this entry done! I'm on vacation from work right this moment, so I had a little free time to work on fandom and also crank out the first entry for against_pc currently in moderator queue. I hope it catches on. One thing I miss about LJ is the prolific political debates I used to get involved in. Now the communities with the most traffic have become echo chambers for sjws or hard leftists. therightfangirl gets good from time to time, but it's a community kept locked to keep out the troll horde.

One thing I don't get though...when I post about Tomax and Xamot on my Tumblr, people are nine times out of ten more likely to 'like' my non pervy posts. What's up with that? I thought fandom was all about sex and weird kinks? Does the whole twincest thing weird people out too much? When I first created my Tumblr, I was originally going to put as a header: Perverted Xamot and Tomax. I ultimately left 'perverted' out because there were no other Tomax and Xamot themed blogs I needed to distinguish mine from. People would get the point quickly enough. I get this vibe a lot of people aren't into the rape jokes either. This will never stop me from posting them. Everyone has their hangups. I know I do. When I first got into posting artwork on the Elfwood fantasy site back in the day and started doing LJ, I stumbled upon fan fiction sites where people were into writing gay slash stories where a larger guy would abuse the shit about of a smaller guy with some kind of relationship Stockholm Syndrome where no meant yes. I sat reading with a sneer and furrowed brow, shifting uncomfortably in my seat saying, "I don't think the little guy would act like that. I think he would be like this, this, and that..." That was me empathizing too much and not getting that it was all about people's kinks and not anything resembling reality. I've lightened up since then, but I could imagine my contributions to Tomaxamot might give people a similar reaction to what I had.

-Not that I have no hang ups now. I'm into My Little Pony, but I hate, hate HATE the fandom. It has almost made me fall out of love with MLP because 1.) Sexualizing horses is gross, 2.) I'm tired of the 'all lesbian all the time' party -and- 3.) I don't want to see pony versions of other fandoms.

Anyway, this post is mostly a critique of my findings, as I found a lot things lacking. Let the games begin:

First picture I found bugged me because one can only tell it's supposed to be Tomax and Xamot by the outfits. I liked the huge, enormous shlongs and the incestuous pose, but it's as if the artist was trying to make them look attractive so now they don't even look like them. The Crimson Twins are like male versions of butterfaces, but I like their crooked noses and rugged features. Oh, and the artist forgot to put hair down there.

If I did a version, they would be very hairy, as I imagine Corsican men would be. I actually have a composition for doing a raunchy ARAH twins portrait. I would have them in red mesh underwear with Xamot taking a tense dominant pose while Tomax was in a relaxed passive pose. I have fun times imaging their different personalities, as even if they are identical, they aren't clones of one another. The trick is having the nerve to sit down and actually do it. I've never drawn a serious penis in my life. Imagine me having a little angel and a little devil Kharmii sitting on my shoulders. The angel would say, "Don't do it! Do you really want to be one of those people who draws cartoon porn?" The devil would say, "You should totally do it. It would be the most epic thing ever. Lots of people would be into it, even though they would pretend not to." Okay, so maybe I'm deluding myself with that last statement. I'd have likely done it already if I ever had encouragement from other people. Unfortunately, it has gone the other way. I've lost about 1/5 of my followers right after posting pervy stuff.

The next couple of drawings, I head canon as being a wonderful dream both twins shared through their psychic connection. LOL! Shipping the twins and Lady Jaye is popular in the fandom because of Spell of the Siren. This is a total nerding out attention to detail, but are the twins wearing those little winter coats, like, from the movie?

I was kind of amazed to find a rape fantasy comic called Danger Girl: In The Clutches of Cobra. I'm only posting the Tomax and Xamot panels. There are a lot of Major Bludd panels, and the comic is easy to google if someone wants to see the whole thing. A quick note before I post this: One thing I noticed right away is that for a rape fantasy, the artist made the twins look about as non intimidating as one can imagine. In one of the panels where there is penetration, Xamot looks apologetic and even a bit vulnerable. In G.I. Joe: ARAH, the twins look very intimidating at all times. They are big brutes of alpha males with expressions that range from crafty and stern at their best and cruel and a little crazy at their worst.

On to the comic....

***Xamot's expression in the next panel is about as aggressive looking as anyone gets in this comic.

Did some recoloring to make Tomax and Xamot look more like they do in the cartoon. I should mention that I'm not really into this comic, per se, just that I'm amused by the idea someone would make a rape fantasy with the twins in it. The idea of creepy twins being rapey is morbidly funny to me, along with the idea of being able to mind control a person into doing ones bidding. Anyone who has ever read or viewed my fan work would know that I've never done anything remotely this bad. Well..that is with the twins being aggressors. They've done some questionable stuff to each other and have had horrible things done to them, but I've never done a rape fantasy with a woman. Mostly I've written comical sexual assaults gone wrong stories. One even had them getting their asses handed to them by Lady Jaye. The twins experienced enough pwnage from her in ARAH so it's believable.

In the following, I would have switched the positions of the twins, putting the more dominant Xamot on the top. Then Tomax could go, "Oh...OH!! It feels like my dick is two places at once! It's so amazing! I love you Xamot.." Danger Girl would think, "Oh God, this can't be happening. It's so horrible..." Okay, so I'm joking, but how could someone do a sex fantasy involving the Crimson Twins without making any reference to their shared sensations? That's no fun! It's their defining characteristic along with how they do gymnastic stunts in their flashy circus uniforms. To their credit, the artist did have the twins finishing each others sentences.

WHAT'S UP WITH THIS INFATUATION I HAVE WITH THE BROTHERS OF LIGHT?

Talk about non threatening, the first time I saw Episode 13 of Renegades, I be like, "Are those two big, ugly women walking out of the temple? Oh wait, they're more like monks who are getting over an illness and might be anorexic under their robes, judging by their sunken features." I don't know what's going on with them because the Renegades art style is so shitty. I guess it makes sense if one wants to make a person look creepy, giving the appearance of poor health is the way to do it.

I thought about it and came to the conclusion I like them for being shiny and new and I romanticize their head canon suffering. That seems to be the prevalent theme in my fan works. I tried to see if there was a trope based on this, but the closest I could find was an article about romanticizing abuse. That's not quite where I'm at, but there are elements of this in my work, along with a smidge of romanticizing mental illness. -Maybe some hurt-comfort in there, like the way they lie entwined to deal with stress or pain. If anyone thinks I'm often using a trope I haven't mentioned, plz comment and tell me. When I fantasize about the Brothers of Light, it's with an attitude like they've gone through horrible things, but it's behind them and they're recovering. I feel this is reasonable. One can imagine two sickly guys running a cult have to be a little bit out of their damn minds.

If I was into IDW, I could see romanticizing Tomax's suffering after losing Xamot. -Like they do that white twin/black twin thing, so I head canon Tomax sitting at his desk imagining a black shadow Xamot working next to him, or when he was in the prison infirmary, he'd imagine Xamot in his mind telling him to kill people and escape. It'd be Tomax coping by imagining they were still connected somehow.

Anyway, the following picture is the closest thing to porn (not produced by me) that exists for the Brothers of Light. The artist made them look even more pale, delicate and sickly than they do in the cartoon. The twins look as if they barely have the energy to commit their incestuous act before one of their disciples will have to break out the smelling salts. They also have lighter features. Every character in Renegades has a huge freakin' nose and witchy jaw.

I believe I'm the only artist who has ever done nekkid porn of the Brothers of Light, though my version is less cartoony. I couldn't believe I got so few looks on Deviantart. It's nekkid porn for godsake..and my Cult Twins look healthy. Sickly is not sexy.

Notice I put Xamot on top and Tomax in a vulnerable position. It ticked me off how in the cartoon, Xamot had a moment of weakness at the same time Tomax looked bad ass. That's how I head canoned Tomax getting exasperated at Xamot's emotional trauma.

Well..that about covers everything. It took about a week of writing a few words here, a few words there to complete this. -Didn't think a porn post would take so much deep thought.

Seriously though, killing off Xamot was super weak. If this comic series is still going, they should give him a soap opera revival, like maybe he could have been off overseas in some shithole country this whole time working for the Unione Corse. When he came back, he could tell Tomax he went incognito because he hadn't felt their connection anymore and wanted to do his own thing, but now it's out of his system. He'd be ready to come back and be rich and successful again. Tomax would be super pissed, of course. He might say something like, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I almost killed myself eating TOXIC PAINT CHIPS in PRISON because of you!! What if you would have come back and found out I was long dead?! Just the other day, I passed the spot where we (insert crude memory), and it brought me to my knees with grief!"

Xamot would give some excuse, like, "I'm a silly-silly. Now give me a big old hug!" Then they'd be good again. Tomax would forgive him because of his whole 'Slavery is freedom; I'm forever yours..' attitude.

The last time I had written about this, I had only seen a few panels of the twins, then read the synopses of a few comics. Even so, after reading this, I feel like I had their attitudes down perfectly. The style of this comics is really neat though. The whole first half is in Tomax's pov, the second half is Xamot's and they meet in the middle, mirroring each other. Tomax is on the sunny side of life. In almost every single panel, he is smiling and looking very happy. Whether he's making plans, running a business, or choking the life out of some Unione Corse member who's supposed to be like family to him, he does it with a skip in his step and a smile on his face. It's almost like, given half a chance, he could give up his villainous ways and concentrate on building infrastructure.

Xamot, on the other hand, was turning into a dark edgelord pulling them back to villainy. He had suffered an injury that left him with a bruised ego. Sometimes when bad things happen to bad people, they might get a change of heart or find religion. Not so with Xamot. He felt isolation and confinement in the business world, and he longed for wide open spaces and the good old days when he could change the world with a gun and a pick up truck. He longed for freedom and adventure. It almost is like he was becoming a chaos worshiper, believing freedom came from having endless possibilities, whether good or bad.

Interesting how Tomax felt contempt for the extremism and isolation of a warlord who was powerless in the grand scheme of things, then made the comment about young Corsican soldiers shaving their heads to express misguided individualism. I wonder what he'll make of Xamot's new look and attitude? Tomax might be like, "What?! Are we fifteen? Sometimes I feel like shaving my head and saying 'goddammit all' to the world too, but then I just take a lunch, -maybe get a massage on the way- and I'm good". Anyway, I'll find out if I can find more free downloads. If anyone can help me out with this, please pm me a link. My old source is toast for now.

First, I will talk about how my day went at work on Wednesday. The fat broad across from me gets every Monday off. Her sub is really awesome and gets her route done faster than fatty, so of course she has it in for her. Tuesday, she called off and the supervisors put a sub on her route who is known to do the bare minimum of work and nothing extra, while the awesome sub will go above and beyond. When Fat Lady came in today, she had piles of mail left over from the day before, yet managed to say something negative about the good sub and nothing about the bad, even though the good sub cleaned up her mail on Monday. Then she proceeded to describe how she had been up since 4AM the previous day throwing up because of getting a bad reaction from her medication. I believe she is pushing for some kind of disability to jump on so she can get paid early retirement.

Okay, I'm not so Spartan as to not believe in early retirement for people afflicted with crippling diseases or freakish deformities resulting from an accident, but the fat lady has neither. She has spent her whole life living an unhealthy lifestyle and treating her job like a burden, and now that she is in her middle age, she's paying for it and wants to transfer the cost on to us or the employer by going on permanent disability one day. People like that anger me more than any other. We have another lady with the shakes and she still manages to get her work done in a timely manner! When I first started working at the post office seven or so years ago, I thought it amazing how the lady with the shakes would constantly have her head swaying back and forth, yet she would be able to get her route done faster than most people.

The fat lady also brought up my boyfriend from Australia and expressed her worries about my long-distance relationship, claiming that the guy may very well be a criminal or have more than one family. She brought up various losers she met on the internet who would play all kinds of games. I thanked her for her concern but said that I wasn't going to live a life of fear locked up in my cozy little house. If I did that, the years would roll by and I'd soon be dead with nothing to show for my life. It's like that hymn we sang in church once that went: Though I may speak with bravest fire, and have the gift to all inspire, and have not love, my words are vain as sounding brass, and hopeless gain. Of course the song was mostly about God's love because the lyrics then went: For God so loved the world He made He gave His own begotten son so all who believe in Him might live, not die but live forever more.. I also took it to be about wordly love too, because without God's grace and good values, I don't believe that it would be possible to understand what being in love is all about. A person who loves him/herself believes that he/she is worthy of redemption and therefore can feel free to love another person.

Also, sometimes it's best to go after the unknown, take risks and make oneself vulnerable. I live by a certain set of values that make me uncool and undesirable to the lowlives and zanies of the world, therefore I can be confident that I won't be an attractive target. My boyfriend is the same way. We are both comfortable with ourselves and don't have something to prove to the world, in order to hide our insecurities. Neither of us have tattoos, green hair and an aching desire to be the ultimate individual. I'm not doing anything that I don't want to do. It's all about free will; anything I do is because I want to do it. I don't do things because I'm weak, or because I've been brainwashed by the sensationalist media into thinking its a cool thing to do. I don't make excuses for the things I do by claiming I have a personality disorder or am possessed by an uncontrollable compulsion. I don't do things because God ordered me to in a dream or because the position of the stars are just right. I am the sum of all my actions good and bad and must take responsibility for subsequent results of these actions.

Now I've gotten all that out of the way, I will now write about the two faces of evil: Lust For Power -and- Loser Mentality. These forms have a common ground; insecure people practice these immoral/amoral actions in order to make up for their inadequacies, whether it be because they grew up poor, are lazy and unwilling to work hard for a better life, were picked on in high school, are weaker and less-accomplished than their siblings, suffered some kind of trauma (such as being raped or molested), or have an undesirable physical trait (such as being fat, having a big nose or a small weiner). Few people in this world don't have at least one of those problems. I do. Can you guess which one? Whatever it is, I don't let it rule me.

Lust for power is probably the lesser of the two evils infecting society, just because it isn't as prevalent. Power is hard to come by and requires a lot of hard work to gain. A person who is deserving of becoming powerful usually is willing to work at it in ways, such as conditioning the body, gaining a higher degree (PhD or Masters) that will make money or working hard to deserve a promotion in the workforce. It's a shame that there are many, many times more people desiring power than there are people who truly deserve it. Undeserving people usually find small ways to lord over others. Some become tyrannical micromanagers. Others will rape women and children. Many get a thrill of power robbing others of their possessions. Many more will get a thrill pretending to be someone else in an RP or getting into witchcraft or other zany cult religions. What a surge of power it must be to think oneself capable of wielding magical power!

Loser morality works together with the lust of power through the sensationalist media, which glorifies rapists and criminals of all kinds. I once watched the tail end of a retarded movie called Fast and Furious over at a friend's house. A cop let a guy go free, even though he spent many years stealing cars and repainting them to sell on the black market. Why? -Because the criminal was good at car-racing and the cop respected him for it! X-P My lowlife friends just ate that garbage up like $.39 cheeseburgers at McDonalds. I used to associate with people who would sit around on their worthless dead-asses all day, but they would often try to play up that they were great people, just because they wouldn't rat out a friend if the cops caught them with drugs. What honor. X-P Ho boy....to me a scumbag is a scumbag is a scumbag. There are no misunderstood monsters or honorable criminals or downtrodden leeches. I don't fall for the excuses people with low self-esteems like to make for why criminals are justified in breaking the law. A lot of people grew up poor. A lot of people live in bad neighborhoods and were abused by their parents. Not all of them grow up to be losers and law-breakers. We were all born equal in the eyes of God but it is the choices we make in life that determine our value as we grow. Criminals are dirt and I don't appreciate how society glorifies the 'monster heroes' the media shoves at us, whether it be a vampire on a fantasy site, a serial killer in a movie or a gangster in a sitcom (such as the Sopranos).

Back before cheap labor killed the industrial towns, back before families broke up when divorce and abortions became commonplace, many people would live in the same town their whole lives, in a town where everyone knew one another. People used to actually worry about what other people thought of them. Now, people don't have that pressure and they are bold when they do all the wrong things. What irritates me is the heart of loser morality: When people do things that are obviously wrong and then justify it by trying to convince me and other people that the things they do are perfectly acceptable. IE: It's okay to have illegitimate kids and become a welfare cheat because birth control is expensive. I drink too much, do drugs and gamble because I have a disease and can't control myself. Weak and ignorant people will do any stupid thing under the sun and then make excuses why I should think what they do is perfectly alright. Wrong! I believe that people should admit to being wrong and have a little integrity and common decency. It's okay to make mistakes in life, -everyone does- but it's not okay to make excuses.

The Loser Mentality Catch-Phrase: Whenever I voice my complaints in public, the losers yell me down with their loser slogan Don't Judge Me! You have no right to judge me, they say. They have the right to judge me of course..... Whenever I say something outrageous and unpopular, such as 'Illegal immigrants shouldn't shit out five kids one after another before they even turn twenty, and then jump right on welfare to become a burden to the American people', the Loser Squad will jump down my throat, flame me or post about me on stupid_free. There, the jury will talk about how much of a bad person I am, -or- how much my artwork sucks, -or- how the lines on the sides of my mouth make me look old -or- how bad of a Christian I am.

Speaking of Christians, loser morality dictates that we should be called 'bible-thumping fanatics' whenever we express an opinion that people should act right! Every lowlife under the sun likes to talk about how the world would be a better place without religion, but I'd be willing to bet that some of them are first in line with a hand out at the food pantry or pregnancy center when the churches contribute generous donations! I started going to church three years ago because I wanted to come out of the mouth of madness and hang around people who were into living normal and decent lives. I think that, while religious people are human and make mistakes, losers don't like them because they still pressure people into living by good values and taking responsibility for their actions.

In my perfect world, people would read this and ask me, "Why are you telling me these things that I already know?" Unfortunately, there are many who would get their panties in a bunch reading this.

Whew! That was a long one and I may have to edit it and add a few things! It took me three days to write because I haven't had much free time lately because of other interests. That's okay. This is one of those things I should have made an outline to organize my thoughts before writing. When I was halfway through and went to chorus practice on Wednesday, I was so mentally tired that I probably wouldn't have been able to write much of anything coherent anyway. From now on..OUTLINE=IMPORTANT. Now, I just have to work on the accompanying drawing. It will be very surreal and have a story all its own, but I'll still attach this because I'm a dickens like that. Also, I have a few other ideas for drawings and a short story in progress. The ball is finally rolling on Kharmii's Spartan Family.

When I started playing on the internet a few years back, I had one goal in mind, to show off my artwork. It's not that I thought I had anything worth saying or that my work was all that great. Nope. I just had a child-like desire to have people looking at my pictures. Little did I know that the days would pass and I'd find real love and make hesitant friendships. I'd be pushed into selling myself as an unlikable internet personality, just so I could get a spike in my pageviews, here and there. If you are reading this and aren't on my friends list, you can either piss off of go take a peek at SPARKLY KHARMII'S DEVIANTART PAGE OF SPARKLENESS.

A couple of months went by and I was content not talking to Yolanda. It was December and I was in the Christmas spirit. Then disaster struck Kelly. She got shingles, which is a painful and long-lasting illness that strikes middle-aged people. The older one is, the longer it lasts. I believe Kelly was out for over a month. Tanquerey was her sub and was on her route everyday.

I never knew much about Tanquerey because she always worked routes on the other side of the building. Come to think of it, I still don't know much about her and believe it's impossible to get to know her, as only nonsense comes out of her mouth. She has all the symptoms of a histrionic personality disorder (believe me, I know about broads with HPD, just read the posts in the wackyland tag. X-P) One of the symptoms of HPD is "having a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail". Tanquerey would single someone out and say nonsense about them. IE: She would approach Kelly and be like, "Hi kellybelly kellybelly kellybelly", then all day walk around going "KELLYBELLY KELLYBELLYKELLYBELLYKELLYBELLY!" -Stuff like that. The only HPD symptom she didn't exhibit was the inappropriately seductive appearance. Her clothes were drab, her body dumpy, and her face looked like a female version of Danny Devito, so much so that I had to make an effort to train myself to stop calling her 'Danielle' subconsciously.

Tanquerey was ugly on the inside too, like always talking about people behind their backs and saying the f-word every other sentence. I got a bad first impression of her when she made fun of a guy for wearing a belt and tucking his shirt in his pants. -Like who cares? She also bragged about the mind games she played with the guys she dated. When she found out about my relationship with Randall and trips to Australia, I could see the angry and mean grimace on her countenance only for a split second before she became nice in an extra syrupy way, almost like the perfect protege of Yolanda's, except she wasn't as good at being phony.

Tanquerey caught on that I wasn't talking to Yolanda. I was completely open with her, telling her what Yolanda did and how I didn't want people talking about my relationship with Randall, especially in reference to his age. She tested me almost immediately, asking what I'd have in common with a person twenty years my senior. When I mentioned that we liked wilderness hikes, she asked me if I was thinking about the future. Would he be able to keep up with me in twenty years? Would he still be alive? I should have warned her to drop it just then, but like a dummy, I didn't.

Then Tanquerey got it in her head that she was going to throw a bachelorette party for me. Now, I've been to a bachelorette party for a girl who used to work there. I'm no prude. I giggled along with the other ladies at the male stripper, even going so far as to stuff a dollar in his shorts. I left the room before things got out of hand, however, and wasn't amused when Tanquerey planned a party that was even raunchier than that. She and Yolanda got downright crude, going so far as to suggest that the gifts should be sex toys. I heard one or the other describe some beads that go up someone's butt. I turned around and told her it wasn't a good idea because I wouldn't have any friends to invite because my friends were all church buddies (hint hint) and wouldn't be into that type of thing. Still, she wouldn't take no for an answer, even going so far as to call one of her cronies over to help plan.

I finally got stern with her when she ordered me to start talking to Yolanda again, because Yolanda was helping her plan the party. I told her that I didn't want anything to do with Yolanda, that I didn't want to go to any party with Yolanda in attendance, and that I didn't want a raunchy bachelorette party as it was. Tanquerey looked genuinely shocked and appalled that I'd stand up to her and refuse a direct order. Another HPD symptom is delusion of grandeur, along with the perceived ability to manipulate people to do ones bidding. She thought of herself as being such an amazing personality that I'd bend over backwards to do her bidding. I also think she saw my polite and conservative nature as being a weakness, as if I was like that because of a low self-esteem. It's rather the opposite, as it's more important for me to stand up for my principles that it is to be liked.

Things went downhill from there. After I put the kibosh on the engagement party plans, Tanquerey started acting squirrelly. She started obsessing over her highschool days and bragging about how she was a big partier and a huge bully and mean girl. She would say stuff like 'preps are losers'. I'd be thinking, Lolwut. Who talks about highschool at this age? I had already hit the big 'three oh' and she wasn't much younger. Then she told her first outrageous untruth. Compulsive lying isn't an official symptom of HPD, yet put all the symptoms together and you have the perfect recipe. Every histrionic person I've ever met, -and I've met quite a few- would lie profusely. Tanquerey told this cockamamie story about the reason she had a GED instead of a highschool diploma. She claimed that she attended school on a Monday, got all her assignments for the whole week, then ditched every other day to attend wild parties. Since she did all of her assignments for the whole week perfectly, she technically got straight 'A's, yet they wouldn't pass her because of her poor attendance. I considered it impossible that a broad who was such a poor liar and who told a story that stupid could possibly be a straight A student.

Side note: One thing I should mention before going on. Yolanda and Tanquerey are both dirt poor from making bad decisions in life. Yolanda first lost $$ in a divorce, then from letting her scumbag friends extort money from her....scumbags who she allowed herself to be at the mercy of when she moved in with one of them. Tanquerey was a single mother with children from two different fathers. She was extra stupid because she bragged about how she never wanted to be married, and she was what I called a 'princess without a kingdom'. She was one of those terrible subs who wouldn't answer her phone if supervisors tried to call her in on her day off. She also would give her hours to another sub if she was on a route she didn't like. Just as a princess would get part of a peasant's crops, so she would get part of our tax dollars in the form of foodstamps and WICS because she refused to work full time. X-P She once told me 'money isn't everything'. It was likely sour grapes, yet I thought, Money sure is everything. It buys both opportunity and nice things for our children.

Both Yolanda and Tanquerey started making snide comments directed toward me. Both of them would talk incessantly about how people shouldn't have children with guys much older than themselves or make dirty old man comments. I mostly ignored them, every once in a while calling them losers, pieces of crap or some other dead-on comment. Yolanda got the hint and stopped addressing me directly. She only made the snide comments directed toward me. Tanquerey didn't get the hint. She'd shout my name loudly, pretending like I wasn't replying to her because I couldn't hear her. Jealous of my relationship with Randall, who took me on nice vacations in Australia, she'd come up with a cockamamie story, then ask my advice. IE: She talked about her filthy rich friend from South Africa who worked for Oprah Winfrey and who took her yachting. She asked me if she should tell him about the feelings she had for him. Too polite to tell her that I didn't give a crap what she did because I didn't give a crap about her, I replied that she was free to make her own life decisions.

Okay, this is getting long and I can't write about every stupid thing they did and said or else I'd be writing a novel to rival Anna Karenina in length. Lets fast forward to almost a year later to November of 2009. The cases were moved by then, so I stopped getting trouble from Yolanda, who got very quiet. Yolanda is a coward who won't cause trouble unless she has you isolated. Around big groups, she reverts to being a phony and sycophant. Tanquerey got worse. It seemed like the new positioning of the cases forced me to be around her more than ever before. She got to where she'd constantly butt into my conversations to ridicule my opinions or tell me how my interests weren't worth having. She'd never add anything to a conversation, except to talk about tv shows she watched, videogames she played, or some other nonsense no1curr about. I looked her right in the eye and told her that I had the right to my opinion and that she wasn't to bully me. Believe me when I say that I'm not just going to stand up for my opinions on the internet, then pussy out irl.

I was astonished when Tanquerey would meet me in the parking lot every so often and do something like invite me to friend her on myspace or go out with her and some work buddies to some event. I thought, Really? Is this trick 4 real? I couldn't figure out if she had such delusions of grandeur that she thought I'd pal around with someone who treated me like crap or if she was playing that game her and Yolanda were fond of in the cul-de-sac, where they'd keep on me until I'd blow up and call them a scumbag. Each time, I'd ambiguously give consent, them quietly not attend a function or not look her up on myspace.

In mid November, Randall got really sick and I had to take two weeks off. It was the perfect time to take off because we got unseasonably warm weather. I was keeping Randall's condition a secret from the work people, just as I've kept it a secret from you LJ readers, although I'll reveal it soon. When I went back to work, Kelly stopped me to talk while she smoked a cigarette under the canopy. She told me that there was a rumour going around that the reason I took the two weeks off was because I either had trouble keeping a pregnancy or that I had trouble even getting pregnant. I never got any proof who was spreading the rumor, but it was awfully funny when Yolanda and Tanquerey started obsessing over babies and being pregnant, almost as if they knew about the rumor and were rubbing it in. Tanquerey even went so far as to talk about how she was either pregnant or thinking about another baby. When I got back from a leave of absense taking care of Randall, Tanquerey actually went down the rows and asked everyone what they'd do if they found out they were pregnant. When people tried to ignore her, she'd be persistent in calling their names until they answered. When she got to me, she didn't ask me and skipped because *wink wink* I couldn't get pregnant, right? I was like, "Seriously!? Are we, like, eight years old?".

ETA: I forgot to add a detail that was pretty important. When I was off taking care of Randall, Tanquerey called my cellphone at 10:30PM. Then she left a message so I'd know it was her. I heard the Iowa fight song at 10:30 and wondered if something was wrong. Imagine how pissed I was to find out it was her! The next day, I called my substitute and told him to spread it around that I wasn't to be bothered at home, except through him. Shortly after, I get this indignant text from Tanquerey! It basically was like "Memememememememememe someone at work might have died. Mememememe...." I called Russell (sub) and found out that a guy had died of a heart attack a few days before. It was no good excuse to call my phone at 10:30PM. I definitely wasn't up to sharing my best (guy who died whom I hardly knew) memories with some broad I couldn't stand at 10:30PM. Besides, she isn't capable of caring about anyone but herself and was calling to harass. Even she isn't so stupid and uncouth to believe calling someone late at night is appropriate! I texted her back telling her she wasn't welcome to call me and that I wasn't entertaining her attention seeking behavior. She had to have the last word, with a text like, "Mememememe ME!" That was the end of it. She didn't call again, so I didn't have to file harassement.

When I got pregnant with Gretchen, I didn't tell anybody. Only the supervisors knew what was going on with me, and I was cool with them. It took three or four months for me to start showing enough for people to guess. That's when Yolanda and Tanquerey had to finally shut their mouths about it for good.

I think I handled it well. I stood up for myself without having to be a victim and file a harassment claim. Even better is how my case is positioned far enough away from both of them, as Tanquerey is on a form 50 route far away until they dismantle and absorb her vacant route after the holidays, Then when she's stuck bouncing around again, she'll still be far enough away because they moved the cases again while I was on maternity leave, and I'm across from a bunch of Frankfort Square routes she doesn't do. Both Yolanda and Tanquerey make a point of talking to one another every day, even though their cases are far apart, because birds of a feather and all.. I'll still talk to Yolanda (if I have to) about work related things because she didn't invade my home life in the middle of the night.

It took me a couple of sessions to write this entry because it's difficult to find time with Gretchen. I also have a lot of things to do, like put up Christmas decorations, plant 12 trees I have heeled in on the side of the house and finish my stone walkway from the house to the garage. The outdoor activities might have to wait for spring, as any warm weather in the winter finds either the ground too soggy or the atmosphere too windy to get any work done. When the weather gets extra cold I'll then find extra time to get back into this, for sure.